Rejoice. I have returned to my Chelsea. It is a very emotional moment. I am the same Mourinho as the last time I was here, but I am much more mature now. I have survived Iker Casillas tormenting me with his sadness and puppy eyes at Real Madrid and I feel I am stronger for it. Now I look forward to having a goalkeeper who does not look like a single teardrop with a beard and making Arsene Wenger develop an eye twitching disorder.
It was an easy decision to join this club again. Roman Abramovich asked me if I want to come back and I said, "Only if you call me 'daddy' like Michael Essien does. He then called me daddy and I laughed like this: hahaha and I agreed to come back. It was that simple.
I am ready to stay for a long time. Because I realize now that Spain and Italy cannot handle my special sauce. Here I am loved. And Frank Lampard will literally do anything I tell him. A few days ago I told him that I wanted a statue of Elton John carved out of pineapples waiting for me at the airport and there it was. Pineapple Elton. It was amazing and terrifying at the same time. Sometimes he calls me late at night and says he wants to listen to me sleep, but when you have as many enemies as I do, you do not sleep. Only wait.
If it looks like I am going to cry, it is not because of the many emotions I am experiencing. It is because the smell of Rafa Benitez is still very strong in my office here. It is like onion sweat giving birth to toe cheese. But I must thank him for one thing. I must thank him for winning only the Europa League. When I win real competitions with this team it will make me look even better. When Rafa was here, the fans paid tribute to Roberto Di Matteo by singing his name in the 16th minute of every match. So now that Rafa is gone, I suggest the fans who use the toilets during matches flush twice in honor of him.
I must also say something to Manchester United, who think I am a troublemaker and didn't want me to replace Sir Alex Ferguson. Apparently they believe that poking Tito Vilanova in the eye, berating referees and not talking to the press is worse than kicking a boot at David Beckham's eye, berating referees and banning the press like Sir Alex did for many years. But that's OK. They were with the devil so long that they started to think he was an angel. Now they have David Moyes and they will find that nice guys finish sixth with no trophies.
And finally, there is Pep Guardiola, who ran away from me by leaving the game for a year before joining Bayern Munich. We will meet again in the UEFA Super Cup at the start of next season and to him, I say this: There is no escape, Pepperoni. There is only Mourinho.
Here's to evolution and maturity. And revenge. Even against the innocent.
You have been warned.