The January 2014 transfer window’s failed mega deals

Brooks Peck
Dirty Tackle

Juan Mata's amicable move from Chelsea to Manchester United aside, the January 2014 transfer window turned out to be a bit of a bust. So instead of recapping the less than exciting moves that did happen, let's take a look at all the crazy things that didn't happen.

Lionel Messi to anywhere If you think Messi is leaving Barcelona, even if someone triggers his buyout clause, you are straight up stupid. It's as simple as that.

Cristiano Ronaldo back to Manchester United All the stories teasing this one are really getting cruel. Man United supporters just want to believe so bad. Juan Mata took the No. 8 shirt instead of Ronaldo's old No. 7! Surely that means...nothing. Absolutely nothing. Barry Ronaldo, on the other hand, might be attainable.

Anyone to Manchester City Sitting atop the Premier League, Man City have a perfectly assembled Jenga tower of goal scoring brilliance. If anything moves in or out, the balance of the whole operation could be ruined. So they're just going to sit tight and try not to breathe too heavily until the end of the season.

Mario Balotelli to Chelsea He's had his trouble in Italy, but Balotelli didn't exactly love his time in England either, so it should come as no surprise that he isn't rushing back. Would've been better off pushing Balotelli to MLS rumors.

As many Bayern Munich players as possible to Borussia Dortmund — Bayern keep stealing Dortmund's players, so Dortmund tried to give them a taste of their own medicine by doing it right back to them. On their budget, they could only draw the interest of Bayern mascot Berni the bear, but he demanded that the club pay his rent on an apartment above a porn shop and help him put a hole in the floor and it just get weird from there so they scrapped the whole idea.

Eric Cantona to Cardiff City — It's no secret that Vincent Tan is trying to build a mini-Man United at Cardiff City. He's changed the home kit to red, brought on United legend Ole Gunnar Solskjaer as manager, bought Fabio from the club and took Wilfried Zaha on loan. But what Man United tribute club would be complete without Eric Cantona? Sadly, the two sides could not agree to terms, even after Vincent Tan offered to let Cantona kick him in the face.

Yevhen Konoplyanka to Liverpool for 8 million donuts — While Liverpool's recently announced partnership with Dunkin Brands is a positive one for the club, Ian Ayre's decision to accept donuts as payment is making transfer deals difficult.

Anyone except Kim Kallstrom to Arsenal They used the word "experienced" three times in their announcement of the Swede's loan deal and if that doesn't scream "get excited!" then this picture surely won't either...

They needed a striker. They got someone who isn't one. That sums up the January 2014 transfer window nicely.

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Brooks Peck is the editor of Dirty Tackle on Yahoo Sports. Have a tip? Email him or follow on Twitter!

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