Suspended CONCACAF chief and FIFA vice president Jack Warner has quit both his posts within football's governing body amidst the ongoing bribery investigation against. According to a FIFA statement, "All ethics committee procedures against him have been closed and the presumption of innocence is maintained." Of course. The following is an open letter that we imagine Warner would like to write.
After 28 years on FIFA's executive committee, I have decided to step down. This, of course, has absolutely nothing to do with the mounting evidence and accusations of bribery against me or my FORMER little big buddy Chuck Blazer flapping his beard hole when he's just as guilty as anyone. And by anyone I don't mean me.
Anyway, I'm going to take a break from the life. A little vacation, if you will. I'm calling it "Jack off time." By doing this, FIFA has agreed to close the ethics committee investigations against me and presume that I am innocent of all charges. Because I am. So eat it.
Of course, this also means that I will not be unleashing my "football tsunami" of revelations against top FIFA officials, which is also a shame for you because they were quite delicious. For example, I was going to reveal that Sepp Blatter's real name is Ted Watersports and that he was once arrested in Indiana for making obscene cartoon films and forging library cards, but now I will not. So eat it.
In closing, I would spit on you, but I would not, of course, dignify my spit. That's a wicked burn that totally makes sense, so don't question it.
Go find your mother.