If it continued... (Real Madrid v Barcelona)

Brooks Peck
Dirty Tackle
(Reuters)
(Reuters)

Real Madrid recovered from an early Neymar goal to beat Barcelona 3-1 in the first Clasico of the season. Barca went to Madrid undefeated and without a single goal conceded all season. But they left as just another notch under Carlo Ancelotti's merciless curved brow of destruction.

Though Leo Messi and Cristiano Ronaldo weren't at their best in this game, it only added to the manic drama we have come to expect from these matches as Pepe ended up scoring the winner. And that leads us to the eternal question of, "What if it continued?"

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97' — Luis Suarez realizes that he has now spent so much of his career banned from football that he no longer feels comfortable actually playing. He asks himself if he might have watched The Shawshank Redemption too many times over the last four months, but quickly decides that he should have watched it even more than he did.

101' — Isco strongly considers changing his name to "Cristoni James Balezema" so the general public notices how good he is.

104' — Gerard Pique throws poker chips on the ground and says he's "all in." Everyone just ignores him.

109' — Desperate to return to the familiar embrace of a long ban and the world being against him, Suarez sneezes directly on Jordi Alba's face. He then coughs on him for good measure, but FIFA doesn't even respond to his texts requesting another ban. 

112' — Keylor Navas writes a letter to Jose Mourinho, asking him to return to Real Madrid. He includes a copy of the day's team sheet with Iker Casillas' name at the top.

115' — Neymar continues to live up to impossible expectations while looking like a one-man boy band.

118' — Sergio Busquets has a revelatory moment when he realizes that people would've been more willing to overlook his diving all these years if he just scored a ridiculous amount of goals in addition to all the play acting. He shakes Cristiano Ronaldo's hand and says, "Thank you for showing me the way." Ronaldo believes this to mean that Busquets plans to create his own line of underwear.

120' — Bewildered and confused by the emotions of being the hero instead of the villain, Pepe repeatedly attempts to headbutt himself but only succeeds in looking like he's attending a heavy metal concert in his mind.

123' — Suarez picks his nose and then rubs his finger on Marc Bartra. His new teammates feel sorry for him and ignore it. A tearful Suarez asks the heavens why FIFA doesn't consider face coughing and snot touches to be the same as shoulder biting.

127' — Chicharito tells no one in particular that the benches at the Bernabeu are much more comfortable than the benches at Old Trafford.

134' — Lionel Messi concludes that his theory that missing goal chances could be just as much fun as scoring was terribly wrong.

136' — At the end of his rope, Suarez goes to the bathroom and then shakes everyone's hand without washing his own. It's a direct violation of the "all employees must wash hands" sign in all the stadium bathrooms, but no one calls him a monster or says that he deserves a lifetime ban. He is inconsolable.

139' — Ronaldo makes a mental note to send an autographed picture to whoever invented penalties.

145' — The match is abandoned when Xavi, who was subbed off way back in the 60th minute, walks onto the pitch and runs his fingers through the grass in search of an excuse.

(Marca)
(Marca)

 

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Brooks Peck is the editor of Dirty Tackle on Yahoo Sports. Have a tip? Email him or follow on Twitter!

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