The harsh review of England’s Euro 2012 run from a retired footballer

Brooks Peck
Dirty Tackle

I'm Bert Tiddle and you've never heard of me. I cemented my position as England's greatest ever penalty taker when I scored with an inadvertent chip after Coventry City's 1987 FA Cup semifinal against Leeds. After I did, Dave Bennett told me that we won in extra time and there was no shootout. Dave Bennett is a numpty.

Being honest is for lepers and house pets, but I'll tell you this anyway: I was supposed to provide regular reports from Euro 2012 but England kept not losing, so what was I going to write, "Well done, lads -- have a bowl of compliments for your efforts"? Not likely. Plus you mingers wouldn't have read that anyway. Convincing the Russians to fight everyone was more of a delight.

So England have finally been knocked out of this stupid tournament and I've been deported from Ukraine for "being too racist against other white people." When I got home, Pimento, one of my 18 kids, said, "Dad, did you bring me back anything from the Euros?" Then I gave him a human finger and he cried. Here's how everyone stained England's reputation yet again...

Wade Rooney: Didn't even play in the first two matches because he's a bin bag and he only scored one goal in the two matches he did play. Terrible. Also his hair was an ever-changing horror show. He should just shave that surgical mess off and stay bald. It's not like the prostitutes he visits while his wife is pregnant will care as long as he's got the money.

Young Ainsley Cole: First off, you had no business taking two penalties in a row. Second, we should ban everyone called Ainsley from English football after this. Except Newcastle owner Mike Ainsley because he's a top man. Third, calling yourself "Young" won't get you any sympathy from old Bert. Like I tell my 18 kids, "If you're old enough to fart, you're old enough to never make a mistake and vicious abuse when you do. What do you think you are, human? You disgust me. Now go tell your mother that those bomb threats to her personal trainer were from me."

Joe Hart: Sticking your tongue out at penalty takers doesn't make you look hard, it makes you look like a mental patient. It didn't work and now you should be forced to lick a pack of feral cats.

Jade Milner: Glaucoma, one of my 18 kids, is a more valuable contributor than you are and he can't even read. You should be a bagger at Tesco like he is, except no one will say it's OK when you crush their eggs with a melon because you have no excuse.

Roy Hodgson: Yes, I applied for the England job but the second I didn't get it I decided it was a twunt's gig. Meanwhile, Roy isn't Harry Redknapp and he proved it. Harry would've had this lot in the finals against Iceland and he wouldn't have paid a penny of tax in doing it. After they got knocked out, I texted Harry to see what legendary insult he had for Hodgson and he texted back "Xkqd rtusy" because he still doesn't know how to text or spell. Everyone knows that a 4-4-2 is worse than no formation at all and that's exactly what Harry would've brought. Plus Harry's jowls make Hodgson's look unattractive by comparison.

And finally, the only bright spot in this dreadful England team: Jim Terry. Maybe if all those idiot fans hated the rest of the players for no good reason as much as they hate JT, they would've all played as well as him.

Now that England have been eliminated and  Euro 2012 is over, it's time to focus on more important things like prank calling Alan Shearer and poking Joey Barton with a stick. I'm going to kick the television.