Harry Redknapp (and his typist Jim) explains poor results to the FA

Brooks Peck
Dirty Tackle

It's a foregone conclusion that Spurs manager Harry Redknapp is the FA's top choice for the vacant England job. But after a 0-0 draw against League One side Stevenage in the FA Cup and a 5-2 loss to Arsenal at the weekend, some doubts have arisen as to whether Harry is truly the right man to lead England. So, Harry decided to write to the FA in an effort to allay any fears they may have.

Dear FA,

This is Harry Redknapp (actually, this is Jim Quentin -- I'm a ballboy at White Hart Lane, but I also do all of Harry's typing because he doesn't know how to send an email and he thinks the word "pancake" is spelled with a "q" and a cross between a tilde and a 9).

I just wanted to send you a quick note (well, it hasn't been that quick -- he took a nap after that first sentence) to tell you that despite Spurs' recent results, the England talk is not affecting me (he already has me making a list of people who can't touch the World Cup trophy after he wins it). These last two matches have been freak occurrences that can be easily explained (he just asked a scout to "keep an eye on Twitter").

Against Stevenage, the problem was simple. I told Jermain Defoe to score two goals and he didn't do it (Harry is pretending to read the French assembly instructions for the massage chair he got Niko Kranjcar for Christmas). He didn't even score one! But I had a chat with him, we played Wii tennis, and he won't be disobeying my tactics again (he will).

The Arsenal match was a bit more complicated (Harry's jowls are sweating now...just the jowls). It was really down to Theo Walcott, though (he added Theo to the "no World Cup trophy touching" list). And believe me, if I were in charge of England, I'd get performances like that out of Theo all the time. Him and Scotty Parker and Frank and Luka Modric will be great together (I just told Harry that Luka can't play for England and he said something about how he was told he couldn't take bungs either and then he winked, like, 18 times...am I going to get in trouble for witnessing that?).

The point is that you've got nothing to worry about (he's still reading the French chair instructions). I look forward to hearing from you soon (he got new batteries for his pager).

Harry (he wanted me to sign this with his dog's name too, but I'm not going to do that.)

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