A glimpse of Pep Guardiola’s upcoming time away from football

Brooks Peck
Dirty Tackle

Citing a need to "rest and move away," Pep Guardiola has announced his decision to step down as manager of Barcelona at the end of the season. These are just a few of the things he has to look forward to during his time away from football.


-Text messages from Jose Mourinho at odd hours that always say the same thing: "miss u :("

-Realizing that getting Xavi to complete 472 passes in one match is easier than getting your kids to pass a toy store without crying and making you buy them something.

-Realizing that Lionel Messi somehow still knows when you make those trips to the toy store and feels left out when you don't buy him something Lego.

-Roman Abramovich trying to entice you to join Chelsea by dropping off increasingly massive yachts filled with gold doubloons and wigs made from the most luxurious llama fur gets old fast. Especially when the homeowners association complains that having ocean liners in the yard is in violation of several bylaws and the kid down the street with the llama fur allergy moans about how he can't walk home from school anymore.

-When you engineer a win in a game of charades at a dinner party, your wife and friends don't celebrate by trying to lift you up and toss you in the air.

-Weird looks from sunbathers when you sit by the pool wearing swim shorts, a tailored vest and skinny tie.

-Trying to convince Cesc Fabregas that this wasn't all his fault takes a lot.

-Strange voicemails from Harry Redknapp saying that if you take the England job, Jamie Redknapp will beat you to death with a Wii controller. Literally.

-Telling your wife that you only want a year-to-year marriage contract doesn't draw the same fawning attention as it did at Barcelona. And that being forced to swallow a diamond ring will make your insides bleed like Gerard Pique.

-Zlatan Ibrahimovic doing Taekwando to the tree outside your house until you get a new job so Zlatan can be the one to drive you out of football.

-Learning that having to make lunches for yourself and all the tiny people you're in charge of every day really sucks.

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