Future News: Study shows that Luis Suarez’s dives save lives of thousands of ants

Brooks Peck
Dirty Tackle

Liverpool striker Luis Suarez has been heavily criticized for what many believe is his habit of going to ground too easily, but a new study has revealed the true compassionate nature of his actions. According to an in-depth investigation conducted by PETA, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, Suarez's dives have saved the lives of thousands of ants living in penalty boxes at football grounds across England -- a fact the organization believes will drastically change public perception of the Uruguayan's frequent tendency to go down the way he does.

"These findings prove what a great lad Luis Suarez truly is, OK?" said Liverpool manager Brendan Rodgers after reviewing the PETA report. "This just shows the extent of his compassion and talent. Even when running at full speed and thinking about what he's going to do with the ball, he can still spot ants in the grass and throw himself over them so as not to disturb their habitat. It takes a special player to do all that. And if he didn't, what would Charlie Adam eat after matches? OK."

This revelation comes after Stoke manager Tony Pulis called for the FA to punish Suarez for diving in Sunday's 0-0 draw at Anfield. But Timothy Blurf, spokesman for the ant community, argues that Suarez should be praised instead of punished.

"It's time we start to recognize the people who see that football is just a game and are willing to sacrifice their reputation within that game in order to protect the welfare of ants," Blurf said. "Too many players in the modern game stomp around the pitch with total disregard for the smaller lifeforms beneath their boots. Footballers like Suarez should be commended for their supreme awareness of the environment around them, whereas the ant menaces like Lionel Messi, who stay on their feet with reckless abandon, should be punished harshly."

When informed of his ant genocide, Lionel Messi began to cry.

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