Future News: Scientists discover football matches at racism events

Brooks Peck
Dirty Tackle

A group of scientists has made the startling claim that professional football matches are taking place in the middle of events across Europe that were previously thought to be exclusively devoted to watching a relative few engage in racism, homophobia and anti-semitism. Though the findings have yet to be verified, they have come as an unwelcome surprise to the participants, attendees and fans of these events around the world.

"I thought we were just going to politely listen to other people do racism or join in with some of our own," said one racism event season ticket holder. "I had no idea there was a game happening that was meant to be enjoyed. Why didn't someone tell us? This is definitely someone else's fault."

Some experts have doubted the scientists' findings based on the belief that having a fun sport -- a source of entertainment and refuge from life's more serious concerns that brings all different people together over a common interest -- in the center of these events would prevent the hatred that is being spewed and tolerated. But the argument for the existence of football matches within racism events has found an unlikely supporter and eye witness.

"To be honest, I did know that there were football matches going on at these events," admitted a racist in attendance at a recent function, who asked not to be named. "But it's so much harder to come up with insults based on the content of the participants' character than what they look like or their religion or sexual orientation when you're irrationally angry. I mean, how can anyone expect intelligent retorts in the midst of pretending that a game is a life or death endeavor? It's just not fair."

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