After failing to get their desired moves before the close of the summer transfer window on Wednesday, Tottenham Hotspur's Luka Modric and Manchester City's Carlos Tevez have shockingly announced in separate statements that they are both quitting football to pursue other careers.
Both players cited a desire to avoid the "unbearable awkwardness" of being forced to stay in situations they were so vocally against during the transfer period.
"There was a time when a footballer could demand a move to any club he wanted and get it," Modric said from Croatia's training camp. "I guess that era ended with Cesc Fabregas. I just last week I literally told the manager [at Spurs] not to put me in the starting XI. How can I go back there? It would be more awkward than accidentally seeing your uncle naked everyday for a year. It would be unbearable. I'm retiring from club football. I'm going to be a mechanical engineer or something."
Modric had made it very clear that he wanted a move to Chelsea and accused Spurs chairman Daniel Levy of breaking a "gentleman's agreement" to sell him, while Tevez railed against the city of Manchester, proclaiming that "there is nothing to do" there.
Minutes after Modric declaration, Tevez issued a written statement to the press.
"In light of what I've said about Manchester over the last few months and my desire to be closer to my family in Argentina, I've decided to quit football and start a new life as a Japanese rice farmer," the statement began. "I appreciate all the support I've had in my career as a footballer, but this is unbearably awkward. Just thinking about it is giving me a panic attack."
It is unclear how Manchester City will react to Tevez's decision, but Levy has made it clear that he will fit Modric with "an electrified collar to ensure he remains in Tottenham for the duration of his contract" if the midfielder "tests" him again.