Future News: Luis Suarez accuses English press of controlling his mind and making him do bad things

Brooks Peck
Dirty Tackle

Liverpool striker Luis Suarez has claimed that all of his disciplinary troubles as a footballer are down the English press controlling his mind and making him do things against his will. Suarez, who still has six games of a 10-match ban left to serve for biting Chelsea's Branislav Ivanovic in April, has also continued to hint at his desire to move to Real Madrid.

"I feel like that girl in 'The Exorcist," Luis Suarez told reporters while wearing a steel colander on his head. "The demons of the English press have been controlling my brain and making me dive and bite people and racially abuse Patrice Evra just so they can write stories about me and say it's my fault. But I would never do any of those things. It's all the English press voodoo spell. They even made me bite a player in the Netherlands before I came to England just so when I bit Ivanovic, they could say it was the second time I have pressed my teeth into another person's flesh. It's unbelievable, but mind control is the only rational explanation for all of this."

The 26-year-old Uruguayan then tried for 30 minutes to make his head spin 360 degrees just to prove his point.

Suarez previously told a Uruguayan radio station that "it would be very difficult to say no to Real Madrid" and that he been "attacked unfairly by the English press." He also added that he's "not prepared to continue suffering at the hands of the English journalists." Now he has reinforced just how eager he is to settle in what he perceives to be a more friendly atmosphere.

"I think I would be better off in Spain, where the press are very nice and never try to stir up trouble at a club like Real Madrid," Suarez concluded as he burned a slightly chewed Liverpool branded garden gnome so he could make smoke signals to aim in the direction of his desired destination.

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