Shortly after UEFA announced their decision to give Wayne Rooney a three-match ban that will keep him out of the entire Euro 2012 group stage because of the violent conduct that got him sent off in England's final qualifier against Montenegro, England manager Fabio Capello announced the newest addition to his squad: "Shmayne Shmooney."
"Shmayne is player we just happened to discover after it became clear that Wayne Rooney, who is a completely different person, might miss more than one group stage match," Capello told the press. "It really is a miracle. Because Shmayne and Wayne definitely aren't the same person."
When asked how the public can be sure that a player who looks identical to Rooney is, in fact, a different person, Capello replied: "Stupid question. This one has a mustache. Next?"
Capello then introduced Shmooney -- a striker who is claimed to play for fictional Premier League club Harchester United from the defunct television series "Dream Team" -- to reporters, who posed the same question to Shmayne himself.
"I wish I was Wayne Rooney," said Shmooney, who constantly scratched at his mustache. "He's a very talented goal scorer and he has great hair, so I wish I was him, but I'm not. My name's Dwayne. I'll do my best to make up for my -- I mean, his -- absence, though."
Capello was quick to correct Shmooney, saying that "of course he knows his name is Shmayne and not Dwayne." He then abruptly ended the press conference when Shmooney's mustache fell off of his face.