Following a series of incidents that have drawn accusations of blatant diving and scorn from fans around the world, Manchester United winger Ashley Young has admitted failure in his attempt to design rocket-propelled football boots.
"When I joined Manchester United, I knew I had to improve my game," Young told reporters. "So I made these tiny jet packs that attach to my boots and were supposed to blast me up into the air just before I could get tackled. But instead they just fire me straight into the ground and make me look like an idiot."
Young was awarded a penalty in the sixth minute of Man United's 4-0 win against Aston Villa even though it seemed clear that he threw himself to the ground. Although he now claims that wasn't the case at all.
"I'm sorry for the trouble I've caused," Young continued. "But it's really all because of the boots. After successfully reanimating Paul Scholes using just a ginger wig and a Faces of Death video, I really thought my experiments were incapable of failing. I guess I shouldn't have fueled the jet packs with that personal lubricant I found in Dimitar Berbatov's metal briefcase."
It remains unclear whether Ashley Young will face any kind of punishment after his admission, but Barcelona midfielder Sergio Busquets has announced plans to sue the England international for intellectual property theft.