For the second straight year there are no Englishmen on the FIFA Ballon d'Or shortlist and as a result, The Football Association has decided to host its own awards gala to honor those who have been overlooked.
"It's become fashionable to heap praise upon the Spanish and the Germans and even the Welsh, but there are plenty of English footballers who deserve the highest honors even more than all of them combined," said FA spokesman Bert Tiddle. "And if FIFA won't recognize that then we'll do it ourselves. So we've decided to hold our own ceremony for our own prize. It's called The Award by The FA because if you put a "The" in front of something, it shows that it's the only one that matters."
Tiddle added: "No one from FIFA will be invited, but Sepp Blatter can sit at home and stare at our Instagram feed all night while choking down a cocktail of his own tears and jealousy if he likes."
Though Sir Stanley Matthews won the very first Ballon d'Or in 1956, no English player has claimed football's top individual prize since Michael Owen in 2001.
The Award will be presented to the best English footballer of the year and The FA has released a shortlist of the following candidates: Raheem Sterling on caffeine pills, the Boring James Milner Twitter account, Leighton Baines' sideburns, MLS goal king Bradley Wright-Phillips, Gavin Harris from Goal and Goal II, and Wayne Rooney in FIFA 14.
There will also be an award for the best English coach of the year. According to Tiddle, the candidates are, "Sam Allardyce, Harry Redknapp, Harry Redknapp, and Harry F***ing Redknapp."
As for what The Award will look like, Tiddle says it will be "Winston Churchill riding a giant golden ball like Miley Cyrus."
The ceremony's organizing committee hopes to have it on a cold, wet Wednesday night in Stoke. Preferably at a KFC.
This has been Future News: news from the future.
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