Frank Lampard’s moment with Kate Middleton

Brooks Peck
Dirty Tackle

Oh. My. Gravy. Princess Catherine is right in front of me and I can't take my eyes off of her. It's like the royal wedding is happening all over again but on a football pitch and I won an invitation for buying a Princess Diana commemorative plate. I can't believe this is happening. She smells like sausages in heaven.

Ohmygod she is so smart! I have never heard anyone tell a story this informative and enthralling in my entire life of listening to people talk. She should be one of those people who explains things for a living. She could totally do that if she wasn't already so good at princessing. Her hair is so perfect. How does she do it?

She's not making eye contact with Adam Johnson is she? Because he has no idea what she's talking about right now. Until an hour ago he thought her mother's name was "Debbie" but I was like, "No, Adam, it's Carole. Duh." He probably forgot already. Maybe if I just lean into her line of vision she will start smiling at me instead...

Mr. Frank Middleton. Mr. Prince Frank Middleton. Mr. Prince Frank Middleton, Duchessman of Cambridge. We could get a puppy together and name him Cupcake Lampard-Middleton. We can pick out little clothes for him pretend he is real people. Kitier Katba will be so jealous.

Hahahahahahahaha! Hahahahahaha! She is so funny! I don't usually laugh at people's anecdotes about the quirks of redecorating Kensington Palace but hers was just so perfect. She is so much better than Pippa in every way. Pippa might as well be an accident-prone groundskeeper called Warty Ted. My stomach feels like Beanie Babies. Maybe if I scratch my chin while I keep laughing really loud she will look at me.

OMG OMG OMG what if she touches my hand right now? I would curtsy for her if I really had to. There are so many cooking shows we could watch together. Her boots must have been made by elves and kittens.

I am never going to wash this smile again.

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