Robert Lewandowski will hire a lookalike to take his place with Borussia Dortmund so he can play for Bayern Munich under a new identity. The Polish striker has been linked to some of the biggest clubs in Europe in recent weeks, but Dortmund have made it clear that they do not want to sell him. So in order to get his desired move to treble-winning Bayern Munich, Lewandowski is on the hunt for a passable lookalike who can play under his name at Dortmund.
"Once Robert finds the lookalike, he's ready to put his genius plan into action," said a source who most definitely is not Lewandowski himself. "He will grow a killer mustache and play for Bayern under the name 'Ted Raptor.' It's going to be so perfect. Wait. Now I'm starting to think that telling the press about this plan could ruin it. Actually, yeah — forget I said any of this. Seriously. Stop remembering it right now. Stop remembering!""
The elaborate ruse will be a further blow to Dortmund, who finished a distant second to Bayern in the Bundesliga last season, lost midfielder Mario Gotze to them and were defeated in the Champions League final by them. Dortmund have reportedly considered hypnotizing Lewandowski to convince him that he is happy where he is and that money is bad, but they fear that resorting to mind control could lead to a public backlash. Or, even worse, make Lewandowski more susceptible to more expensive hypnosis from richer clubs.
This has been a fake transfer rumor.