Everything you need to know about Papiss Cisse, goal machine

Brooks Peck
Dirty Tackle

Newcastle's January signing Papiss Demba Cisse has been a revelation for the club, scoring nine goals in his first eight matches. According to Opta Sports, his current rate of scoring a goal every 66 minutes he plays is the best in Premier League history. But who is this man who cost Newcastle a relatively meager £9 million? Here is all the information we assume to be true about him.

-He was conceived and immediately birthed after his parents scored a match winning goal with a rare male-female tandem bicycle kick in Dakar, Senegal on June 3 of 1986.

-As a child, he realized that the moon looks a lot like a football and decided that one day he would score a goal with it. Unfortunately, NASA has denied his many requests to build a goal large enough to accomplish this. As a result, he got their funding systematically reduced.

-At the age of 20, Cisse joined French side Metz. In four years with the club, he was loaned out twice because they were too afraid of his goal scoring ability.

-In the summer of 2009, German club Freiburg first became interested in Cisse during a friendly against Metz in which he scored one goal, set up another and blasted a penalty kick over the crossbar that broke the nose of a man who robbed a bank the day before. Freiburg signed him in the January transfer window for €1.6 million and the bank robber eventually admitted to several other unsolved crimes in the area.

-In his first full season with Freiburg (2010/11), Cisse finished second to Bayern Munich's Mario Gomez in Bundesliga scoring with 22 goals, but set a league record for most goals scored by an African player and won an award for being the league's most efficient striker. He did all of this while taking sleeping pills that he mistook for German vitamins before every match.

-Since making his international debut for Senegal in 2009, Cisse has scored 11 goals in 17 matches. The only reason he hasn't scored even more than that is because each of those shots has literally set the goal on fire and he still has five hand-stitched replacement nets to complete as promised.

-On the advice of Cisse's Senegal teammate Demba Ba, Newcastle signed him in January of this year and gave him the No. 9 shirt that had been cursed by Andy Carroll. He lifted the curse by drinking 30 Jagerbombs and not injuring himself by falling over like an idiot. In his debut match, he scored the winning goal against Aston Villa after replacing an injured Leon Best in the 14th minute.

-Cisse will sign for Real Madrid in a record-shattering €140 million deal next January. After that he will decide to stop scoring goals and focus all of his efforts on making sure Iker Casillas doesn't touch his face with those snot-caked fingers.

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