The Euro 2012 Group O’ Death Scale

Brooks Peck
Dirty Tackle

With another major tournament taking shape, our patented (yet horrifically unreliable) Group O' Death Scale returns!

Since the Group of Death™ is easily the only aspect of a football tournament worth discussing up until actual football is played and immediately invalidates any and all analysis made in the months leading up, we have once again ranked the groups in order of Deathiness. Here's how they stack up...


Group A: Poland, Greece, Russia, Czech Republic

Group O' Death rating:

One elderly hobo. This is the anti-group of death. When Russia were drawn in with the other three, there was a loud cheered in the audience. Every single team in this groups thinks they got lucky with this draw, but with the skewed expectations, does that actually make this the most dangerous group? We always expect the group of death to be the biggest and the strongest, but sometimes a bunch of crazed and scurvy-stricken hobos with rusty knives and rabid dogs are far more deadly.

Match-up of Doom: Andrei Arshavin v himself. Euro '08 brought him international recognition, but since his move to Arsenal the following year, his form has been trending downward. This could be his chance to reassert himself. Or maybe just invent a new emoticon.

Group D: Ukraine, Sweden, France, England

Group O' Death rating:

Two short-haired Undertakers. Some have already taken to calling this group FUSE for it's deceiving peril (and, you know, the countries' initials). Like the Undertaker's hair, that fuse is short here, since each team is capable of blowing up at any moment.

Match-up of Doom: Fabio Capello v the English press. He's not English! HE'S NOT ENGLISH!

Group C: Spain, Italy, Ireland, Croatia

Group O' Death rating:

Two original Undertakers and a Paul Bearer. In any other tournament, this group is an unbelievable spectacle of difficulty. This year, it's just a goofy fat man in pancake makeup hiding behind a nightclub bouncer who's pretending to be dead. Which, in fairness, is still unbelievably terrifying.

Match-up of Doom: Slaven Bilic v joy. Look at this picture. Old man Trapattoni, giddy Prandelli and Del Bosque's mustache better watch out.

Group B: Netherlands, Denmark, Germany, Portugal

Group O' Death rating:

What's the only thing more dangerous than one Mario Balotelli? Four. Four Mario Balotellis. That's how unfathomably horrifying this group is. In fact, let's not even talk about it and just start building fallout shelters now. No one will survive! No one!!!!!!

Match-up of Doom: Nicklas Bendtner's ego v reality. Have you ever witness a nervous breakdown on the pitch? Well, Bendtner's post-match interviews should be interesting.

Top photo: Getty

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