In the aftermath of England's sub-par performance against Algeria on Friday night, many blamed Fabio Capello's rigid and constraining tactics. Others blamed Steven Gerrard's inability to complete a pass. The truth, however, is much simpler. In the second half of the match, the TV cameras focused on a pigeon that perched on the Algeria goal as England prepared to take a corner. The sinister-looking bird, right, wasn't just there admiring the (lack of) action. Oh no, he was sent to deliver a curse! By a witchdoctor!
The Sun diligently report that African medicine men often send birds to deliver curses, and they've found a Shaman willing to deliver his professional opinion on the malevolent feathered creature in question:
Shaman Olga Mokwena, 59, said: "It could be someone supporting Algeria has visited a witchdoctor to put a spell on England.
"I am following the World Cup very well and saw the pigeon. That bird was there at night when the birds are supposed to be sleeping. And that one was not sleeping.
"That told me it was protecting the Algeria goal. It was guarding it."
From this compelling evidence, it's quite clear that the albatross around England's neck is in fact a pigeon, and now there's only one possible course of action: they have to fight witchcraft with witchcraft.
Rather than stick pins in Slovenian voodoo dolls or chanting to the God of Sporting Underperformance, Shaman Mokwena recommends the more disgusting option of washing away the evil spirits by bathing in the powder from tree bark.
So, if the England players turn up at their next press engagement looking grubby, itchy and slightly ashamed, you'll know they've engaged in the dark arts ...
Image: The Sun