Numerous reports have revealed that two weeks before Sir Alex Ferguson announced his retirement, Wayne Rooney made his second transfer request in three years. When Rooney said Manchester United didn't match his ambition and flirted with Man City in in 2010, he was faced with death threats and eventually got a pay bump and a couple more titles. Now, he has reportedly asked to be sold again and Man United have responded by saying he's not for sale. The following is a transcript of Rooney's meeting with Ferguson on the matter.
Rooney: Boss, we need to talk.
Ferguson: I'm not debating you on whether scientists can bring dinosaurs back to life like in Jurassic Park, Wayne. Forget it. It's not happening.
Rooney: It's not that. Look. I know I've said it before and I have a contract for another two years, but I want to go now. I want a transfer.
Ferguson: Oh you do, do you?
Rooney: Yes. I do do. I do do do.
Ferguson: Well you're not going anywhere, you hair transplanted twit. I am, but you're not.
Rooney: What? What did you say about my hair?
Ferguson: I'm not ready to tell everyone yet, but I'm retiring, Wayne. At the end of the season, I'm retiring and you're staying.
Rooney: What? No. You can't retire.
Ferguson: I can do whatever I please. I can shotgun beers out of the Queen's underpants and then punch a stuffed cat if I want. I'm retiring. But I'm going to stay close enough to keep an eye on you.
Rooney: But...that doesn't mean...
Ferguson: Yes, Wayne. It does mean. We're going to get your old pal David Moyes to replace me. The man you libeled in your autobiography and then had to pay a settlement to five years ago. That's going to awkward, isn't it?
Ferguson: This is what you get, Wayne. This is what you get when you try to embarrass me in public. This is what happens when you try to have a ball measuring competition with the Elephant Man. You get swatted. With balls.
Rooney: But I want to go to Bayern Munich.
Ferguson: Ha! And why would they want you? They're the best team in the world right now and you're a burnt-out shell of your former self. Even here you're surplus to requirements. No longer essential. And now you've twice proven yourself to be disloyal. More than that if you count your personal life.
Rooney: I don't have to take this!
Ferguson: Yes you do, Wayne. Because even though I'm retiring, I'm still the boss. Long after I'm gone I'll still be the boss and I'll still be making you pay for your demands.
Rooney: I'll go to Paris.
Ferguson: You go to Paris. You go there and ask David Beckham about the lesson I taught him and how many stitches he needed over his eye after I did. He only has nice things to say about me now. Because he knows there's more where that came from.
Rooney: Sell me or I'll tell the press you're retiring.
Ferguson: Oh, you're making big boy threats now? Tell them. I'll write in my program notes that I'm not going anywhere and then officially announce I'm retiring three days later. Just to toy with everyone's heads. Like I'm doing to yours right now.
Rooney: [crosses his arms, pouts]
Ferguson: When Moyes gets here, try not to libel him again. He'll take your house this time [laughs maniacally].