Steven Gerrard gave Liverpool fans an unwanted surprise when he was pictured wearing a protective cast that the club's official website explains is part of his treatment for an ankle infection that sprung from a cut he sustained during training. This latest injury setback will keep him out a few weeks, but how the cut got infected remains a mystery. Until now. The following is a transcript of Gerrard's recent conversation with team doctor Zaf Iqbal.
Iqbal: How are you feeling today, Steven?
Gerrard: Fantastic. I feel like a winning lottery ticket, but one that has a leg that's turning green and might fall off soon.
Iqbal: Hmm, well, just by looking at your ankle it does appear to be infected even though we cleaned it up when you got the cut. Any idea how that happened?
Gerrard: I have no clue. I took the bandage off to show Craig Bellamy how tough I was with a cut on my ankle and he was like "Oh, Steven Gerrard, that looks pretty nasty. You must be super tough to have that and not cry like I probably would with a cut like that." And I was like, "I know." And then I rubbed a cupcake on the cut and he was like, "Why are you rubbing a cupcake on your cut? That seems really weird, but since you're doing it it's probably really smart." And I was like, "It is. The icing always makes me feel better when I eat it so rubbing it directly on the cut will probably heal it in 7.2 seconds. Watch." And he was like "..." and I was like "..."
Iqbal: Wait, you rubbed a cupcake on the open wound? Why would you do that?
Gerrard: Because I'm not a doctor but I'm still really smart about medical things like ankle cuts and sleeping.
Iqbal: That doesn't-
Gerrard: So anyway, after that I went to a restaurant to eat soup and hum Phil Collins songs in the hopes that someone at the next table hears me and happens to know Phil Collins personally and makes him feel good by telling him that I hum his songs in restaurants. The waiter came up and said, "Oh, Steven Gerrard, you're really good at humming Sussudio but your ankle looks kind of bad and why is there cupcake icing all over it?" And I was like, "I'll have the soup du jour with extra du jour." And he was like "..." and I was like "..."
Iqbal: OK, I've stopped paying attention to your story because I really need to treat your ankle right away, Steven. We're going to have to put your leg in a plaster cast.
Gerrard: When I got home my pregnant wife was like, "Oh, Steve Gerrard, I've been waiting for you to get back and teach our unborn child how to cut his or her own hair because if there's an Apocalypse, everyone will need to know how to do that." And I was like-
Iqbal: Teach your unborn child what? Also, why does your wife call you "Steven Gerrard"? I think this infection has gone to your head already. We need to act on this right now.
Gerrard: That was obvious to me two hours ago, but that's because I watch the television show House in my mind while I take free kicks so powerful that Ryan Giggs has to get out of their way. That makes me a better doctor than you. So give me a cupcake.
Iqbal: Do you promise not to rub it on your leg again?
Iqbal: Fine. While I put your leg in a cast, someone will get you a cupcake.