DT Exclusive: The proposals made when reps from every Premier League club met in London

Brooks Peck
Dirty Tackle

Like the Commission meeting in The Godfather, representatives from every Premier League club met in London on Thursday to discuss the possibility of implementing UEFA's Financial Fair Play rules. Though nothing was decided, according to ESPN several other proposals were made at this meeting on everything from player contract guarantees to a vote to gauge support for a break-even rule prohibiting clubs from operating at a loss (Man City were one of only four clubs that voted against this). The following is a transcript of the meeting.

Premier League chief executive Richard Scudamore: Gentlemen, thank you for coming today. With every club represented here, I believe we can make tremendous progress towards a bright and financially stable future. I look forward to hearing all of your ideas and proposals-

Arsene Wenger: I propose we ban everyone from spending any money.

Scudamore: Now, Arsene, you say this every time but I don't think-

Sheikh Mansour: I propose that all clubs be required to spend a minimum of £1 billion a year.

[Roman Abramovich covers his mouth and whispers to Juan Mata]

Mata: Mr. Abramovich says he seconds this motion. He also proposes that all owners be required to have at least three luxury yachts as a show of good faith.

Sheikh Mansour: Seconded.

Scudamore: Gentlemen, I really-

John W. Henry: I propose we compensate clubs whose former manager spent way too much money on overrated English players. I also propose that every club has to take on Joe Cole for at least one week of the season.

Mike Ashley: I propose HAHAHAHA.

Swansea chairman Huw Jenkins: I propose we also laugh at Brendan Rodgers for leaving the 11th place club for the 13th place club.

Henry: I propose I hate you all. It was Hicks and Gillett! They ruined everything for forever! Always!

Scudamore: I think we're getting off topic here...

Tony Fernandes: I'll take Joe Cole on a three-year contract.

Henry: Done.

Fernandes: (eats glue to celebrate)

Malcolm Glazer: I propose you all let my family put your clubs in massive amounts of debt. And that we give Mr. Scudamore's job to Mark Clattenburg.

Wenger: I propose we punch Robin van Persie in the face.

Tony Pulis: I propose we punch everyone in the face.

Dimitar Berbatov: I propose we play nude between waist and knee.

Tony Pulis: Seconded.

John Terry: I propose everyone hates me a little bit less. Please?


Scudamore: This has gone too far. I think maybe we should end this now, think a bit harder about what's best for the Premier League and reconvene in a few months.

Wenger: I'm still going to punch Van Persie in his idiot face.

Sam Allardyce: With all that settled, who do I wrestle for the Olympic Stadium? I brought the oils.

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