DT Exclusive: Philipp Lahm hunts down Germany’s mole

Brooks Peck
Dirty Tackle

Someone has been leaking Germany's lineups to the media and team captain Philipp Lahm is not happy about this. "It is a great pity if leaks like this occur and it is a disgrace that the line-up was in the public domain so early," Lahm told the press. "The person who has the problem is the guy responsible for leaking that information, because at the end of the day, he might be damaging the hopes of a nation. Maybe that person hasn't understood how team team sports work. I think it is a shame, but we won't be hiring any detectives." That's because Philipp "Marlowe" Lahm is on the case. The following is a transcript of his investigation.

Lahm: Alright, gentlemen. There's a glass of milk with my name on it going warm somewhere, so I'll make this quick. Someone in this room has gotten a little too chatty with the button pushers and our lineups are being spread around faster than an inflatable sheep at a weirdo convention. I won't stand for this.

Neuer: You're standing right now? Wow, you're shorter than I thought.

Lahm: You will respect my authoritah! Now. Enough with the wisecracks and start making yourselves useful. Gomez -- get your hand out of that mousse mop on top of your head and tell me what you know.

Gomez: Huh?

Lahm: That's what I thought. I don't know how many of you are in on this and I don't care. I just want to plug this leak before we're all forced to eat spaghetti through a firehose. Mertesacker...what are you grinning about over there? Is there a half-price sale at BigandSlow.com?

[Per Mertesacker nervously glances at a drawer in the corner of the room.]

Lahm: I think the coat rack's trying to tell us something. I don't like surprises, so if that drawer can open itself, now would be the polite time to do it.

[The drawer opens and Michael Ballack pops out.]

Ballack: It is I! The true captain of this team. Your reign of tininess is over, Lahm. I've been leaking the lineups to the media myself to prove that I am still a superior captain and there is nothing you can do about it! Hahahahaha!

[Lukas Podolski slaps Ballack in the face.]

Ballack: Ow! Lukas! I told you before to never slap me in the face again! This is the last time I will tell you this!

Lahm: And how does leaking the lineups prove that you're still a superior captain?

Ballack: It just does! To be honest, I wasn't in the drawer long enough to figure that out yet.

[Lukas Podolski slaps Ballack in the face again.]

Ballack: Lukas! I'm being serious here! Don't slap me in the face! This is your captain speaking!

[Lukas Podolski slaps Ballack in the face yet again.]

Ballack: Stop slapping me in the face! That is it! I hope you all get the food poisoning and only win by two goals!

Lahm: Well, with that settled I'm going to feed my eyebrows.

Muller: (quietly) Or is it settled?

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