Manchester United legend Paul Scholes has announced his retirement at the age of 37 and will immediately take up a role as a coach on Alex Ferguson's staff. The following is a transcript of the famously quiet Scholes' first attempt at coaching.
Ferguson: Alright. Losing to Barcelona the way we did was unacceptable. Though Scholesy will no longer be helping us on the pitch, he's sticking around to teach you all how to improve your game. Now, we know Paul doesn't like to talk much, so I ask that you describe what he shows you as he does it so everyone can learn from it. Go ahead, Paul.
Bebe: OK, he just taught me how to score a fantastic goal, but I can't even begin to comprehend how he did it.
Ferguson: Teach him again, Paul.
Bebe: Still not getting it. Seriously. I don't think my body can do any of that. This isn't fair.
Ferguson: Fine. Paul will come back to you, Bebe. Let's move on.
Obertan: AH! He just tackled me and I'm pretty sure his boot is stuck in my neck.
Ferguson: And did you pay attention to how he did it, Gabriel?
Obertan: Yeah. I can see my bone, but yeah. I saw.
Ferguson: Excellent. You're a great teacher, Paul.
Bebe: I'm still not getting how he can score goals like this. Do these ginger people have super powers? I just tried to do what he did and I passed out halfway through.
Gibson: OWWW! Paul just tackled me too, even though I passed the ball to Bebe, like, 15 minutes ago. Why couldn't you just tell me how to tackle instead of actually tackling me, Paul?
Ferguson: Darren -- don't question his ways!
Gibson: Now all these people are sending me abusive tweets even though I no longer have a Twitter account. This is awful!
Bebe: I give up. Humans aren't meant to be this good at football. He just put the ball in the goal by standing still and looking at it. I tried that and a bird defecated on me.
Obertan: Can someone call for the physio? The marrow is oozing.
Ferguson: Paul's the new trainee physio, too. Fix him up, Scholesy.