Manchester City continued their efforts to decided what to do with disobedient former captain Carlos Tevez by sending a club lawyer and a human resources representative to his house on Monday for 80 minutes of questioning. The following is a transcript of that intense interview session.
Bob Loblaw, MCFC lawyer: Carlos, thanks for allowing us to stop by. How are you?
Tevez: I, eh, don't have my translator here so I'm afraid I can't answer your questions. Sorry. Bye.
Loblaw: You said that in perfect English, Carlos. We know you can speak the language.
Tevez: Fine. Just hurry up and ask your questions. I'm in the middle of refusing to play a FIFA 12 match against Micah Richards.
Loblaw: Don't worry, Carlos. This won't take long at all. Now, tell me why you wouldn't enter the match against Bayern Munich.
Tevez: I never said I wouldn't! I just refused to warm up again because I already warmed up. Once you're already warmed up, you can't warm up again. That's science.
Loblaw: Well, Mr. Mancini, his assistants and the fitness staff all say you refused to enter the match.
Tevez: Who are you going to believe? Them or the guy who was stripped of the captaincy after publicly demanding a transfer?
Tevez: Why are you so dumb?!
Loblaw: Carlos, this is obviously getting us nowhere. Perhaps we should bring in the club's human resources representative to ensure we maintain a calm and respectful discourse.
Tevez: Whatever. Who is the human resources person? It's probably a chipper woman who loves cats or a painfully shy sad-sack of a man, right?
Loblaw: Actually, it's Mario Balotelli.
Tevez: What? No.
Tevez: No! I don't want Balotelli in my house!
Balotelli: Too late. I parked my Maserati in your kitchen. Also, I put a group of hobos in your bed. They all have head lice. Oh, and I brought darts!
Tevez: This isn't fair! Why is this happening to me?
Loblaw: Would you like to tell us the truth now, Carlos?
Tevez: Yes, alright! I refused to play. I don't care about the club and I hate Mancini. Just please get Mario out of here. Please!
Loblaw: Excellent. That should be enough to prove a breach of contract. Thank you for your cooperation, Carlos. Mario, let's leave him be.
Balotelli: Hahaha I just stretched out the arm holes on all his shirts.