Even after the retirement of Edwin van der Sar, Manchester United goalkeeper Tomasz Kuszczak has fallen out of favor behind David De Gea, Anders Lindegaard and Ben Amos. So with playing time a distant memory and a loan deal with Leeds shut down by Alex Ferguson, a frustrated Kuszczak says, "I've become a slave to Manchester." The following is a transcript of his conversation with Michael Owen, where he reached that conclusion.
Kuszczak: Michael! I can't take this anymore!
Owen: What's wrong, Tommo?
Kuszczak: It is time we rise up! We cannot be slaves to this tyrannical club any longer.
Kuszczak: Yes. Slaves. Think about it -- we are paid high wages while the club forces us to not work.
Owen: That's the exact opposite of what a slave is.
Kuszczak: No, you don't understand. They're paying us hundreds of thousands of pounds and putting us in fancy hotels on away trips, then they tell us not to do the job they're paying us for. We are common slaves, Michael!
Owen: No. A slave does all the work for no pay at all. Just relax and enjoy yourself, Tommy. We get to win trophies and collect massive wages without having to risk our legs exploding the second we step on the pitch. It's perfect.
Kuszczak: I don't believe you. You're telling me slaves can't buy a second home with the money they make while taking a nap wearing an expensive designer suit someone else paid for?
Owen: Yes. Just ask Berba. Dimitar, come here -- Tomasz thinks we're slaves because we get paid and we don't play.
Berbatov: Ha-HA! Slaves? I collected my wages after winking at an elderly lingerie model for 90 minutes last week.
Ferguson: Tomasz, Michael, Dimitar! Shut it and get back to your sitting practice! And when you're done with that, there's a bunch of shrimp and lobster you've got to eat. We've got too much again.
Kuszczak: But I can't eat anymore shrimp and lobster no matter how much you pay me! I can't take this! No human being has ever suffered like this. Ever.
Ferguson: Yeah? Nemanja, teach this lad about suffering.
[Vidic tears off his own face, reveals flaming metal skull.]