DT Exclusive: Jose Mourinho investigates who stole Real Madrid’s boots

Brooks Peck
Dirty Tackle

Prior to the first leg of Bayern Munich and Real Madrid's Champions League semifinal in Munich, a mystery thief stole six pairs of boots from Real's dressing room. Three pairs belonged to Cristiano Ronaldo alone, while the others belonged to Mesut Ozil and Karim Benzema. Real Madrid went on to lose the match 2-1 and Ronaldo failed to score. Meanwhile, Marca says that Bayern have given no explanation for the theft even though the dressing rooms at the Allianz Arena are monitored by security cameras (sidebar: what?). The following is a transcript of Real Madrid manager Jose Mourinho's investigation into the matter.

Mourinho: Someone is trying to undermine me and I will find out who it is. Like every evil plot, the most obvious suspect is Barcelona conspirator and fake charity organization UNICEF. Marcelo, get me list of UNICEF celebrity ambassadors/nefarious operatives.

[Marcelo hands him a pirate scroll]

Mourinho: Messi, Shakira -- too obvious. Here is one, this is the thief. (Dials phone) Ricky Martin, you stole boots from Real Madrid. Admit it now or you will be dying la vida loca.

Martin: What? That doesn't even make sense. Mr. Mourinho, like I told you when you accused me of hiding pro-Barcelona messages in the official song of the 1998 World Cup last year -- I have no idea what you're talking about.

Mourinho: You are a lying liar, Ricky Martin. Admit that Xavi was in Menudo! Admit it now!

[Ricky Martin hangs up]

Mourinho: It was not Ricky Martin. But I know which of his cohorts it was. (Dials another number) Jackie Chan, give back Ronaldo's boots or I will show you what MMA really means: Mourinho Martial Arts. Your eyes will squeal like a pony horse carrying Rafa Benitez.


Mourinho: Jackie Chan is innocent. This time. But if it was not UNICEF it must have been referees. Howard Webb was too busy preparing to be horrible at his job to do it. That leaves Wolfgang Stark. (Dials) Hello? Wolfgang? It is Jose Mourinho. I am surprised you were able to answer your phone without swallowing it. Admit your crime to me right now. Do it. Do it now.

Stark: I am seriously considering a career as a dentist because of you. A dentist! Please, I'm begging you, just leave me alone.

Mourinho: If it wasn't UNICEF and it wasn't referees, it must be Bayern. Still upset after I beat them in 2010 Champions League final to win the treble. Looking to get advantage when they know they cannot win over two legs. So who was it? Franck Ribery's prostitutes? Mario Gomez's ornamental hair? Philipp Lahm looking for a new shoe to live inside? I will know.

Xabi Alonso: Boss? Pepe is hiding in the corner and chewing on the missing boots. Kaka tried to take them away but Pepe stabbed him in the neck. Kaka already forgave him, but then passed out. He's bleeding everywhere. I think he said something about seeing a light and going towards Real Madrid Resort Island.

Mourinho: It was Shakira all along...