DT Exclusive: John Terry and the boomeranging captaincy

Brooks Peck
Dirty Tackle

It's being reported that John Terry will be stripped of the England captaincy over a charge for which he has not yet been tried for the second time in two years. The following is a transcript of Terry's latest visit with FA chairman David Bernstein and England manager Fabio Capello.

Bernstein: John, I'll make this brief. Racism is a very serious matter and the FA simply cannot allow a man awaiting trial for racial abuse to be captain of England. Of course, we could reserve judgement until after you're found guilty, but, well, we're not. Please hand over your armband and Pizza Hut discount card.

Terry: No! Stuffed cruuust!

Bernstein: I'm sorry, John. But by possibly using a racial slur, you've left us no choice. Now Fabio, who will be your new captain?

Capello: John Terry.

Terry: Hooray!

Gareth Barry: Excuse the interruption, but I just heard that John Terry punched my infant nephew in the kidney. This is inexcusable.

Bernstein: Are you sure about this, Gareth?

Barry: Kind of.

Bernstein: In that case, John, we simply must strip you of the captaincy again. Fabio, please select a new captain.

Capello: OK. I choose Steven Gerrard. Just kidding, I choose John Terry.

Terry: Ca-cow!

Scott Parker: Pardon the intrusion, gentlemen. I recently read on Wayne Rooney's Twitter that John Terry tried to swallow my grandmother whole while she was sleeping. He eats old people! John Terry eats old people! He cannot be captain of England. Also, Bill Cosby is dead.

Bernstein: I'm sure everyone can definitely see John Terry doing that. John, you are captain no more. Fabio, pick again.

Capello: This is a very difficult decision. So I. Must. Choose....John Terry!

Terry: Fibbledy-flop!

Patrice Evra: Excusez-moi. I know I don't play for England, but John Terry wrote some very, very obscene things about my non-existent sister on a messageboard for people named John Terry. You can't defend that.

Bernstein: Good god, John! Is there no end to the vile things we can conceive of you doing? That's it. Fabio, you are obviously incapable of choosing a decent role model to lead this team on the pitch. So I will do it for you. Ashley Cole is the new captain. That's final.

Ashley Cole: I just shot another kid with an airgun. Are gingers a race?

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