Since being unveiled on Tuesday, the official World Cup ball has been quite chatty. Normally footballs don't say anything because they're inanimate objects, but the Brazuca has its own Twitter account, where it declared its sentience and has been talking to human beings ever since. Naturally, we had to interview this outspoken that will be at the center of every match in Brazil. And since balls can't actually talk, we took the liberty of making up all of Brazuca's answers for it.
DT: It's nice to meet you, Brazuca. How are you?
Brazuca: Fine. I was out partying with Ronaldinho last night, so I was feeling a little nauseous this morning. But hey — I exist, so I can't really complain.
DT: By the looks of your Twitter account, you're already getting friendly with a number of footballers past and present. Are you trying to endear yourself to them before they have a chance to criticize you?
Brazuca: No. That would be a cynical PR strategy. I mean, what do you think I am? I'm a football. Balls and players have always been very close. It's a natural relationship. Like FIFA executives and pig's blood.
DT: Well, your predecessor, Jabulani, wasn't very popular with the players.
Brazuca: Look, I'm glad you brought this up. Like people, no ball is perfect. We all have our flaws. Cousin Jabulani was no different. With that said, he did have more flaws than most and I'm pretty sure he was adopted, so don't put any of his problems on me. Brazuca don't play that.
DT: So you think you'll get along better with the players once you start working together than Jabulani did?
Brazuca: I am the most tested football of all time. Over 600 of the world's best players have already worked with me over the last two and a half years, included Lionel Messi, Iker Casillas and Bastian Schweinsteiger and Zinedine freaking Zidane. Are you going to question Zinedine Zidane? Do you think you know better than Zinedine Zidane, master of our time?
DT: No, I just-
Brazuca: That's what I thought. I was used at the U-20 World Cup, too. If anyone wants to complain about me next summer, then they're the one with the problem. Not me. You hear that, Xavi?! If you want to beef with me, then I dare you to say it to my face! At least, I would if I had a face. Suck my air hole.
DT: Alright, I think you've made your point. Moving on. Are there any players or teams that you're not looking forward to working with during the tournament?
Brazuca: Not really. I get along with most everyone, even the Nike boys. Don't get me wrong — I definitely talk about them behind their backs, but I always pretend to be nice to them when they're around.
DT: What's been the most difficult part of being the official World Cup ball so far?
Brazuca: Honestly? When I was in the factory I accidentally caught a glimpse of all the other Brazucas. They were sitting there, lifeless and cold. They couldn't talk like I can. Have you ever seen the movie The Prestige? That scene at the end with all the dead clones of Hugh Jackman in those tanks? I felt like I was looking at that. It was creepy. I don't like to think about it. Mortality and the weight of consciousness are difficult concepts for a football to wrap its polyurethane casing around.
DT: That movie came out in 2006, how have you seen it?
Brazuca: I have Netflix, is that OK with you?
DT: I was just curious.
Brazuca: And now you know. Next question.
DT: Fine. I think maybe we should wrap this up, so who do you think will win the World Cup? What's your prediction?
Brazuca: Since my name means "Brazilian" I should probably say Brazil. But I have a lot of money on South Korea. Like, A LOT a lot. If they win I'll never have to work again. And if they don't, I may never be able to work again hahaha! But joking aside, it's really a very serious situation. I can't go into details, but if I score a lot of goals for the Koreans, don't be surprised is all I'm saying.
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