DT Exclusive: Ask Kaka (post-Champions League semifinal edition)

Brooks Peck
Dirty Tackle

Real Madrid suffered a devastating loss to Bayern Munich on penalties in the Champions League semifinal and though Kaka was one of the Madrid players with a key penalty miss, he isn't one to break a commitment. So after the match, he once again visited a local school to answer any questions the children had for him. The following is a transcript of that fictional event.

Kaka: Hello, children! This has been a very difficult time for me, but I am smiling now because I know that being around all of you will make me feel much, much better. So, who has the first question?

Ana: Hi, Kaka. My name is Ana and I'm 7. Are you sad now?

Kaka: Failing to reach the Champions League final after being so close is very hard. And being part of the reason we failed is even harder, so yes Ana, I am sad. But we are still in first place in La Liga. I know we will be better next season and I still have my family and my faith and all of you. That makes me happy. Who has another question?

Alex: Hi, Kaka. I'm Alex and I like hammers. Why did you miss your penalty kick after Cristiano Ronaldo just did the same thing? That was dumb.

Kaka: Heh, well, I can assure you that I wasn't trying to miss, Alex. Although Cristiano is a very good friend of mine and a great person, I have always resisted doing what he does. Whenever he offers me his prostitutes or hair lubricants or indecently tight clothing, I have politely refused. So I thought no one would ever guess that I would shoot in the exact same place he just did. But, Manuel Neuer did know and he saved my shot as well. I should've known better.

Pedro: Hi, Kaka. My name is Pedro and I am now a Bayern Munich fan. Did Sergio Ramos eat a lot of paint chips when he was a kid?

Kaka: Uh, I- I don't know, Pedro. I'm not quite sure what you mean by that, but I have seen him eat berries he picks near our training ground. I've told him that he doesn't know what kind of berries they are and they could be dangerous, but he eats them anyway.

Eric: Hi, Kaka. I'm Eric and I'm 9. My dad says that he bet all of my education fund on Real Madrid winning the Champions League this season and that now I'm going to have to steal from people who are old and weak just to eat once a day because you cost Real Madrid €96 million and you can't even score a simple penalty kick. Why do you hate me and the grandpas?

Kaka: Oh wow. Wow- I...I don't hate you at all, Eric. I love all of you. And your grandpas. I'm very sorry your father lost all of that money, and I know it's not my place to say, but maybe he shouldn't have bet so much on a football match? I- wow. I'm very sorry, Eric. Does anyone have another question, maybe about how wonderful it was to finally beat Barcelona last weekend?

Kyle: I put drugs in your water.

Kaka: Oh my. You, uh, you're just joking with me, aren't you Kyle? Boys your age don't have drugs, do they? Please so you're joking, Kyle. Do- do little kids have drugs now? Is that happening? Why aren't you saying that you're joking, Kyle? OK. Let's just move on. I won't drink the water anymore and we'll move on.

Donna: Hi, Kaka. My name is Donna and I have two dogs.

Kaka: Oh, that's beautiful, Donna. Dogs are nice. Is your question about whether I have dogs? Because that would be a very good question.

Donna: Actually, my question is: Will you regret your terrible penalty shot for the rest of your life? If not, you should.

Kaka: Wow, I...is it- is it getting hot in here, kids? It feels really hot.

Kyle: You drank drugs.

Kaka: What? Oh no. I- I'm fine. Really. I'm going to be fine, kids. Don't, uh, don't worry about me.

Eric: I call dibs on his wallet!

Kaka: Jesus.

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