DT Exclusive: Ask Kaka

Brooks Peck

As the World Cup final draws near and Brazil is already back at home, we imagine Kaka has once again decided to set aside some time to visit a group of school children and answer their questions. The following is a transcript of that session.

Kaka: Good morning, children! I am incredibly happy to be here with you all today! Although it would be nice to still be playing in South Africa, there is nothing I would rather do than answer your questions about that fantastic experience. So who would like to go first?

Albert: Hi, Kaka. My name is Albert and I'm 7. Did you have fun in South Africa?

Kaka: Yes, I had a lot of fun, Albert. Even though we lost to Holland in the end, it was great to learn about South Africa and see all the beautiful sights. We even went on a safari! It was truly wonderful. Thank you, Albert. Who has another question?

Stephanie: Hi, Kaka. I'm Stephanie and I cheered for Brazil. My grandma lives in the ground and she had just as many goals as you did. Are you going to live in the ground now, too?

Kaka: Um, no, Stephanie. I'm not going to live in the ground. I didn't play as well as I would've liked, but I'm still recovering from my injury, so it was tough for me to play my best. We will be better in the Copa America and reclaim the World Cup trophy when we host in 2014, though. Who else has a question?

Davi: Hi, Kaka. I'm Davi and I like peanuts. My question is: How much do you want to hit Dunga in the face with a shovel right now?

Kaka: Oh, no — I would never do that, Davi! Why, uh, why would I want to hit him with a shovel? It's unfortunate things didn't work out better with Dunga, but he was a great manager and I'm sure he will have a lot of success in whatever he does next.

Leilah: Hi, Kaka. Why did you try to play so bad? It made me cry. And then these men took my dad away because they said he owed them too much money and I haven't seen him in three days. Where did you take my dad?

Kaka: Oh wow. I, uh, I — I didn't take your dad anywhere. And, again, I'm very disappointed that I didn't play better, but I certainly didn't try to play bad. Oh wow. I — I hope your dad returns safe. I think — I think these questions aren't what I expected them to be. Does anyone want to know about the time I fed the monkeys near our hotel?

Miguel: Hi, Kaka. My name is Miguel and I think you're awful. I just wanted to know: what kind of music do you listen to before a match?

Kaka: Oh, heh, well Miguel, I like to listen to gospel music. It makes me feel good and ready to play. That was a surprisingly good question. Thank you, Miguel. Who's next?

Leonardo: Hi, Kaka. My name is Leonardo and I'm 10. If you could push Dunga or Felipe Melo down the stairs and then set the building on fire and then laugh at their skeletons, which would you choose?

Kaka: Oh my. I — I wouldn't do that to either of them. Laugh at their skeletons? That's terrible. How, uh, how did you even think of that, Leonardo?

[Leonardo shrugs, picks his nose]

Kaka: OK, maybe, um, maybe we should just have one more question and then I think I have to go. Does anyone have a question about the monkeys?

Albert: I have one.

Kaka: Yes! Albert, right? Do you have another question about the fun things in South Africa?

Albert: No, my question is how do you know that your food won't be poison? Because I think it might be.

Kaka: Oh Jesus.

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