The tax evasion trial of Harry Redknapp has revealed the Spurs manager's admission that he can't work a computer, doesn't "know what an email is" and "couldn't even fill in a team sheet." He also said, "I've never wrote a letter in my life. I couldn't write a letter. I write like a two-year-old and I can't spell." The following is a transcript of Arsenal manager Arsene "The Professor" Wenger's generous attempt to teach Harry how to send an email.
Wenger: OK, Harry. I've shown you how to turn the computer on and we've signed you up for a free email account. Now, we will try sending an email.
Redknapp: What's an email?
Wenger: It is like an electronic letter.
Redknapp: And the elves inside that picture piano deliver it to whoever you want?
Wenger: Well, there are no elves inside the computer, but yes, it will go to whoever you want.
Redknapp: What if I want to send something to Ted in Liverpool. Do them elves know how to get to Liverpool?
Wenger: There are no elves, Harry. None at all. But yes, you can send a message to anyone, anywhere in the world. Here, try typing one to me.
Redknapp: Right. How do you know which button is which?
Wenger: Just look at them. Each one has a letter, number or symbol on it. Press the ones you need.
Redknapp: Nice try, Arsene. But I ain't falling for that one. Them's all French letters. Where's the English ones?
Wenger: Those are English letters, Harry. Just type "Hello." That's all.
[Harry randomly presses all the keys as fast as he can]
Wenger: You just pressed random keys, Harry. That didn't spell any words.
Redknapp: Stupid computer. I'll sell you to Aston Villa, computer!
Wenger: It's an inanimate object, Harry. It can't hear you.
Redknapp: Them elves inside it can! I bet it's Jermain Defoe in there. He never listens.
Wenger: There are no elves! How do you possibly make it through the day?
Redknapp: My accountant. He writes all my checks, pays my bills. He runs my life. Looks like I'm going to need a new one with this tax mess I'm in, though.
Wenger: So you need someone to run all your finances, which you have absolutely no knowledge of?
Redknapp: Pretty much.
Wenger: I will spend your money for you. I mean...I will be your accountant.
Redknapp: That's triffic, Arsene! You're a top man.
Wenger: [laughs maniacally]
Redknapp: It's funny. You know all these things about tactics, computer elves, paying bills and spelling words. Yet, my lot is 10 points ahead of yours in the table and in position to qualify for the Champions League. Football's strange, innit?
Wenger: Yes. Yes it is.