DT Exclusive: Arsene Wenger’s refusal to sell Man United any more of his players

Brooks Peck
Dirty Tackle

The sale of Robin van Persie to Manchester United that Arsenal were cornered into last summer has been a shadow over the club all season. On Sunday, they gave Man United a guard of honor before their match as Van Persie's new club has already sealed the Premier League title — an achievement aided by Van Persie's league-leading 25 goals — while Arsenal sit fourth in the table. After the match, Arsene Wenger was asked if Sir Alex Ferguson wanted any more of his players. Wenger responded: “I don’t know but he will not sign them from us.” The following is a transcript of Wenger's attempt to refuse Ferguson's advances.

Ferguson: Arsene, thank you again for the guard of honor. That was class.

Wenger: Don't mention it.

Ferguson: I know Robin appreciated it, too.

Wenger: I SAID DON'T MENTION IT.

Ferguson: Well, since the season's already done and dusted for us, I thought we might discuss some transfer business.

Wenger: I'm not selling you anyone else ever again, Alex. I would literally rather get vomited on by a lactose intolerant child every day until 10 years after I die than sell you another one of my players.

Ferguson: Now now, let's not get melodramatic, Arsene. How about £17 million for Jack Wilshere and Theo Walcott?

Wenger: No.

Ferguson: Wilshere and Walcott for £18 million?

Wenger: No!

Ferguson: Wilshere and Walcott for £16 million?

Wenger: Deal. No! I mean no deal! I will sell you no one. Especially not Robin van Persie's secret younger brother.

Fergson: Secret brother?

Wenger: Ah! I've ruined it! I made Robin promise not to tell you that we have his younger, more talented brother playing for another club on loan under a false name to prevent you and City from sniffing around him.

Ferguson: I'll give you £30 million for him.

Wenger: No. He's convinced he's going to be the greatest striker in the history of the Premier League. Anyway, how can you bid on a player sight unseen?

Ferguson: That's what I did with Bebe and that didn't work out at all, so this has to. £50 million! You know he wants to play for Manchester United, Arsene. Make this easy on yourself.

Wenger: Fine. We have a deal. A legally binding deal.

Ferguson: Ha! You twit — you just handed me another 20 titles.

Wenger: Silly me. Here, I'll send you a picture of the player you just bought.

Ferguson: [receives picture on his phone] Oh....oh no. This is Nicklas Bendtner. No deal! We do not have a deal!

Wenger: Too late. He's on his way and I'm putting Andre Santos in his luggage.

Ferguson: But you said he was more talented than Robin.

Wenger: Yeah, at not scoring goals and being a drunken disappointment. You've just been long conned by Arsene Wenger. I've put on my sunglasses and you'll have to deal with it.

Ferguson: So selling me Robin van Persie was just a setup for this?

Wenger: I'm going to say "yes" and you can't prove otherwise.

Ferguson: Ah, I feel like I should be able to, but I can't.

Wenger: Long cons by Wenger!