New Manchester United manager Louis van Gaal has named Wayne Rooney the club's new captain. In the announcement of his decision on Man United's official website, Van Gaal cites Rooney's "great attitude" and "professionalism" while apparently overlooking the fact that the club's third best scorer of all time has demanded to be sold twice in the last three years, expressing a desire to join both Man City and Chelsea.
"He is a great inspiration to the younger members of the team and I believe he will put his heart and soul into his captaincy role," Van Gaal said.
The following is a transcript of the conversation that led to Rooney becoming Manchester United's captain.
Van Gaal: Wayne, please sit down. There is something I would like to talk to you about.
Rooney: Actually, there's something I want to speak to you about as well, boss.
Van Gaal: Alright. I will go first because I think you will be pleased with my news.
Rooney: No, I really think I should go first. I want a transfer.
Van Gaal: You what?
Rooney: I want a transfer. Enough is enough.
Van Gaal: Enough what? Is this joking? Why are you saying this, Wayne?
Rooney: It's been a few months since the last time I requested a transfer and my agent said I should.
Van Gaal: If your agent said to jump off a bridge, would you do it?
Rooney: Well...would I get paid?
Van Gaal: No! This transfer demand business might have worked under Sir Alex and the man who always looks confused, but not with me. Look at this! I am not wearing pants!
Rooney: Oh god, why are you naked from the waist down?!
Van Gaal: Because I am the boss! But I was going to make you my captain. That's what I wanted to tell you.
Rooney: Yeah? Well, nevermind then. I don't want a transfer, I want to be captain. You should have just said that in the first place.
Van Gaal: Good. I know this has been a difficult time for you, Wayne. Having to deal with the confused man and then being on England's World Cup joke team. But together we will do great things. We will make the whole world look at our balls.
Rooney: So I'm the captain now?
Van Gaal: Yes. You are my captain now.
Rooney: Wow. This is truly an honor. Thank you, boss.
Van Gaal: You're welcome, Wayne.
Rooney: Now I'd like a transfer, please.
Van Gaal: I CAN MAKE YOU DISAPPEAR AND REPLACE YOU WITH TIM KRUL ANY TIME I WANT! I AM THE LAVA KING! DO NOT TEST ME!
Rooney: Fine! I won't demand a transfer! I'll be your captain! I'll do whatever you want! Just please put shorts on!
Van Gaal: Request denied.
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