Dimitar Berbatov is…The Continental

Brooks Peck
Dirty Tackle

Well hello there.

I see you've caught me preparing for the new season by making my collar erect with vigor and anticipation. This means I'm aroused with a marvelous desire to resume my footballing dalliances as well as my erotic courting of your imagination. Though my eyes are hidden behind these tinted fashion glasses I purchased at a supermarket, I can assure you that they are scanning your body like an airport security machine that has somehow undergone a sexual awakening. And it appears you've set off the Berba-beauty alarm. Ha-HA!

But let's not rush into the pat-down or sensual interrogation scenarios of my many unpublished screenplays just yet. Like a fine mayonnaise, The Berba is maturing into a complex and refined blend that defies first impressions and preconceived notions while overwhelming the sense with a heavy musk. And if that didn't make sense, perhaps this will...

Yes, I have defied my reputation for effortless elegance to develop a set of abs over the offseason that will make referees across England book me for not taking off my shirt when celebrating goals. The Queen herself will soon issue a royal decree requiring me to pose in various museums and adult book shops whenever I'm not playing football. I am The Berbuation. And now I will take a picture of your bewildered reaction to this reveal so I can enjoy it whenever I please. Ha-HA!

Between my chiseled physique and the fluffy, come hither mustache of Fulham's new owner, our club will certainly reach new heights this season — both on the pitch and anywhere there is a waterbed. The unsettled atmosphere at last season's top clubs makes this the perfect time for us to thrust forward and win over the hearts and loins of Premier League fans everywhere. This will be the season that The Berbuation reclaims the title of top scorer. Again, both on the pitch and anywhere there is a waterbed.

Now if you'll excuse me, I must commence my final preparations for the season by confidently smirking at passersby as I stroll through the streets of London. Toodle-oo.

Join us again next time for another chapter in the life of...The Continental...

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