Dimitar Berbatov is…The Continental

Brooks Peck
Dirty Tackle

Well hello there.

I see you've caught me introducing an interview I did with Manchester United's official website. These are some of my words floating next to my head, but you're probably too distracted by my widow's peak and my intoxicating, Simon Cowell-like scent to see them. ... Oh, you did see them? Shhh. Nevermind then.

Unlike my interviews with The Erotic Taxidermist Quarterly, the official Manchester United website tends to cut some of my answers short before the full Berba-brilliance has been released. So, like this plastic bag full of massage oils I have in my pocket, I will share them with you...right now.

What has been the key to our excellent run of late?
It's a combination of things. We train well and we rest well — that is just as important as the training part. The coaching staff prepare videos for us to watch of our opponents so we know what to expect and the rehabilitation after games is very good too, and that helps us stay fresh for the next one. It's about putting all these little pieces together because you need a bit of everything.

I also prepare videos for us to watch with the help of my cousin Timitar Berbatov. These videos are decidedly more sensual in nature and usually involve quite a bit more public nudity than the coaching staff's videos. As a result, I've been asked not to show them anymore. But I do still sell them out of the back of my van. Ha-HA for business!

Has this season been one of mixed emotions for you given your chances have been limited?
Every time I've played I think I have done well and I'm ready and waiting whenever the boss gives me a chance to show my quality and deliver. I want to do as much as I can for the team to help us win the title.

Whether that means scoring five goals in every match I play or seducing Berba-beauties five at a time at every match I don't play. Speaking of which, you're far too elegant to be interviewing footballers for a website. Perhaps you'd like me to demonstrate just how "ready" I am to "show my quality" and "deliver"? You might not know it yet, but you're about to find my clever use of quotation marks to be very arousing...see? No wait...see? No no...see? You'll feel it eventually and then I'll say something like, "I thought so" while leaning back in my chair. Then I'll laugh knowingly. Ha-HA! And we will make love on a bed of mayonnaise.

How do you keep yourself motivated when you're not playing?
It's just about being ready. We have a big squad and you know sometimes you're not going to play. It's sad and it's painful but you need to be strong and be prepared for when your team-mates need your help. We are a team and we want to win together.

But to answer your question, I caress my arm hair. That keeps me motivated.

Danny Welbeck has certainly been a great addition to that attacking group…
I'm particularly happy to see how well Danny has done. I remember him coming through the ranks and you could see then he had great quality. His loan spell at Sunderland helped him a lot and he is one for the future for both United and England.

With that said, I've scored more goals than him in less than half the matches this season. The future might be his, but the present still belongs to The Berba.

Do you still feel you have an important part to play between now and May?
Yes, of course. There are a lot of games coming up which present different challenges and I'm training very hard to make sure I'm ready when the moment comes.

In fact, just yesterday I read the dedication page on a book of poetry and ordered a jar of discount caviar from a Persian website. Perhaps you'd like to watch me indulge in its embryonic subtitles? Ha-HA!

Oh-OHHH! Danny Welbeck just put a hole in my plastic bag full of massage oils! You're a rotten saboteur, Danny Welbeck! Chicharito a.k.a. Little Berba and I will poison your aperitifs as soon as I get him to stop crying every time I speak to him!

Join us again next time for another chapter in the life of...The Continental...

What to Read Next