Cristiano Ronaldo consoles Lionel Messi after the Copa del Rey final

Brooks Peck
Dirty Tackle

Hey bud. You OK? I'm sorry you lost, but, you know, someone had to. And I'm glad it wasn't us. So that's...a...tough one.

It's a shame we couldn't play tonight. Oh, you did play? Well good for you! Maybe I was just watching my teammates and the players who scored goals too closely. That's probably why I didn't see you out there. By the way, do you like my hat? I'm trying to make suits with a baseball cap the new thing. I'm pretty sure it's working. I'd say you should try it, but then you would look like you're trying to copy me. Maybe you should do a fedora with a tracksuit. It's just an idea, but it could work for you. Think about it. Not right now, of course, but sometime within the next day or so.

Anyway, how about that Gareth Bale, huh? He reminds me of you, but bigger and faster and not as sad right now. Actually, I guess that makes him more like me. Are you sure you're doing OK? Can I get you anything? We're probably going to have some champagne left over once we're done celebrating if you want to wait around for a little while. Are your parents here? How's your dad doing with that whole tax fraud thing? Maybe we should go find them. Not "we" because I have to celebrate, but you should.

I know this has been a tough season for you. The injuries, the criticism, the frustration and now not winning trophies. I've been there. I know how awful that feels. It's a bottomless pit of despair. Hopelessness in every direction. And I just want you to know that I'm really glad I've overcome that to reach the top again. Maybe one day you will too. If not in football, then in some other business like pottery or...I hear mimes do very well. The sky's the limit. You're Lionel Messi! You can do whatever you want. Except win this match that just ended, because it's over now and well, you know — of course you know, you said you played in it. The whole match you played? Wow, how about that.

Hey, listen, I really have to get back to having fun. This was a good talk, though. I think you have my old phone number — call if there's ever anything you need. Anything at all. I'm sure someone will answer it. Unless...yeah, someone will probably answer it. So keep your chin up! And just to show that there's no hard feelings between us, I'll tell Pepe to never step on your fingers again? He probably won't listen, but I'll still say it anyway. That sound good? You sure you're OK? Alright, I'm going to go over here now, where it's not so depressing. Good luck with, uh...yeah. And seriously think about that fedora and tracksuit thing! 

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Brooks Peck is the editor of Dirty Tackle on Yahoo Sports. Have a tip? Email him or follow on Twitter!

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