Cristiano Ronaldo congratulates Lionel Messi on winning his fourth Ballon d’Or

Brooks Peck
Dirty Tackle

Dear Lionel,

I am writing you this note to offer my congratulations on winning the Ballon d'Or. Again. As you can see by the look on my face, I am very happy for you. Please forgive me for not congratulating you at the gala, but since I am so tall and statuesque and you are so tiny and maintain terrible posture, I couldn't find you in the crowd. Also, since someone played a joke on you by telling you to wear that garish spotted jacket and tie, I didn't want to keep you from getting home and changing your clothes as fast as you possibly could. That's how thoughtful I am.

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It was another tremendous year for me, and, supposedly, for you as well. You had to set a world record in order to score more goals than me. Of course, smart people know that team accomplishments are far more important than personal achievements and I helped my club to win La Liga in 2012 whereas you only helped your club win the Copa del Rey. The year my club only won the Copa del Rey, I did not win the Ballon d'Or. I suppose this just shows that voters hold me to a higher standard than you.

Anyway, you have now won the Ballon d'Or a record four times in row. I guess you're happy about that. Yet, Andy Gray, England's most respected sexist broadcaster, has questioned whether you could play well on a cold night in Stoke. After all, you have only won titles for one club, whereas I have won titles for clubs in La Liga and the Premier League. But very few players have the physical talent and mental strength to prove themselves on different teams and in different leagues, so you should only feel a little bit bad about that.

People are always trying to compare you and I, but there really is no comparison. Yes, we were both named after Americans -- I was named after Ronald Reagan, a talented actor and two-term president, whereas you were named after Lionel Richie, a man who sang about dancing on the ceiling. Which is both impossible and patently ridiculous. I impregnated a woman and created a child in 2010, but it took you until 2012 to figure out how to do those things. I grew tall and strong naturally and you needed enough growth hormones to make even Lance Armstrong feel guilty in order to be neither of those things. Also, I wear proper tuxedos to formal events while you wear a suit made out of clown pants. So comparing us is both silly and unfair.

In conclusion, I congratulate you, Leo. But remember: No matter how many Ballon d'Or awards you win, I still won it first.

Confidently yours,

Cristiano Ronaldo

P.S. My apologies for writing this letter in English, one of several languages I am able to speak, when I know you only speak Spanish. Maybe Gerard Pique will translate it for you.

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