A painful breakdown of Bayern Munich’s 9-2 win against Hamburg

Brooks Peck
Dirty Tackle

With a 20-point lead in the Bundesliga, Bayern Munich added yet another exclamation point to their domestic campaign with a 9-2 win against Hamburg. Yes, nine. Including four from Claudio Pizarro.

Now, Hamburg are hardly a patsy of a side -- they're currently in the top half of the table (even though their goal difference took a bit of a hit). So what happened at the Allianz Arena? Here are a series of pictures that tell the story...

Pre-match: Mario Mandzukic, Anatoliy Tymoschuk and Franck Ribery predict how many goals their team will score in the first half (five).

Xherdan Shaqiri scores the match's first goal in the fifth minute. He celebrates like a young scientist who just decided to create a human centipede on his day off.

Hamburg's Heung-Min Son and goalkeeper Rene Adler realize this is going horribly wrong and they are powerless to stop it when Pizarro makes it 3-0 in the 30th minute. Their screams are silent.

Arjen Robben scores Bayern's fourth goal of the first half? Time for hugs.

Pizarro scores Bayern's fifth (and his second) goal just before halftime. Now it's starting to feel like a bit much. The celebration is reduced to pretending to be mimes trapped in invisible boxes that prevent teammates from high-fiving each other.

After a brief respite, Pizarro completes his hat trick in the 53rd minute to put Bayern up 6-0. Hamburg players begin to doubt their existence.

A minute later, Arjen Robben makes it 7-0 and celebrates by pretending to be a starfish. The constraints of reality and social conventions no longer apply.

Bastian Schweinsteiger, who scored Bayern's second goal way back in the 19th minute, attempts to console Hamburg defender Heiko Westermann while smiling. Which kind of makes things even worse.

Pizarro scores his fourth goal (Bayern's eighth) and realizes empathy isn't something he will ever have to worry about.

A minute after Jeffrey Bruma finally scores for Hamburg to make it 8-1 and salvage a slim shred of their dignity, Franck Ribery adds a ninth goal for Bayern and puts Bruma and Adler on the ground in doing so. Upon realizing that this was probably a smidge too mean, Bayern let Heiko Westermann score in the 86th minute as a means of apologizing to him for Schweinsteiger laughing in his face earlier. So that made it 9-2 and just about even in Bayern's eyes.

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