Artur Boruc's Friday Rage List

Brooks Peck

AAAAHHHHHHHH I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS IS A LIST OF THINGS THAT MADE ME ANGRY THIS WEEK:

1. WATCHING SEBASTIEN FREY -- OHMYGOD I AM SO SICK OF NOT PLAYING!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IF I WANTED TO WASTE MY CAREER SITTING AROUND AND WATCHING ANOTHER GOALKEEPER PLAY INSTEAD OF ME I WOULD HEADBUTT A GIRAFFE BECAUSE THAT IS JUST STUPID!!!!!!! AHHHHHHH THE GIRAFFE JUST BIT ME!!!!!!!

2. THE HAMBURG DERBY -- AHHHHHHHH WHY COULDN'T I BE THERE!!!!!!! THERE IS NOTHING I LOVE MORE THAN BEING BEATEN BY RIOT POLICE AND BLASTED WITH A FIRE HOSE!!!!!!!!! INSTEAD I WAS SITTING ON THE BENCH WATCHING SEBASTIEN FREY LOSE TO LAZIO!!!!!!! FIORENTINA HAVE ZERO WINS TWO DRAWS AND TWO LOSSES WITH HIM IN GOAL!!!!!!! THEY NEED TO EITHER PLAY ME OR BLAST ME WITH A FIRE HOSE!!!!!!! TO BE HONEST I WOULD ACTUALLY PREFER THE LATTER!!!!!!

3. BERBATOV'S HAT TRICK -- THE FREAKY MAYONNAISE MAN IS FREAKY!!!!!!!! EVEN THOUGH I DON'T LIKE PEOPLE SCORING ONE GOAL LET ALONE THREE IN ONE GAME I MUST SAY THAT HIS OVERHEAD KICK WAS NICE!!!!!!! I BET I COULD DO THAT TO SEBASTIEN FREY BECAUSE HE IS A TERRIBLE GOALKEEPER!!!!!!!

4. CORN -- THE OTHER DAY I ASKED SEBASTIEN FREY WHAT HIS FAVORITE FOOD IS!!!!! DO YOU KNOW WHAT HE SAID?!?!??!!? CHOCOLATE!!!!!!! BUT I BET HE WOULD PUT CHOCOLATE ON CORN AND REALLY ENJOY IT!!!!!!! THAT COUNTS AS CIRCUMSTANTIAL EVIDENCE THAT FREY IS WORKING FOR THE EVIL CORN OVERLORDS!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHH STOP DOUBTING ME!!!!!!!!

5. FACEBOOK GROUP TO GET PUYOL TO PLAY UNTIL HE'S 40 -- IF THIS WORKS I AM DEFINITELY GOING TO START A GROUP DEMANDING THAT SEBASTIEN FREY EAT A LIVE RABIES-INFESTED SQUIRREL IF EIGHT MILLION PEOPLE JOIN!!!!!! I'VE ALREADY ASKED HIM TO DO IT SEVERAL TIMES BUT HE JUST IGNORES ME!!!!!! AHHHHHH MAYBE I SHOULD SCREAM IT TO HIS FACE INSTEAD OF IN MY BASEMENT LATE AT NIGHT!!!!!!!!!!

6. DRUG MULE REFEREES -- SMUGGLING DRUGS IS WRONG!!!!!! ONE TIME I TRIED TO SMUGGLE M&M'S THROUGH AN AIRPORT AND WHEN SECURITY DISCOVERED THEM I SHOUTED "EAT DRUGS!!!!!" AND RAN!!!!! THEY NEVER CAUGHT ME BUT I'M PRETTY SURE THE MANHUNT IS STILL GOING!!!!!!!!

7. VALLADOLID WITH A WHITE TIGER -- AHHHHHHHHHH I WANT ONE!!!!!!!!! I WANT ONE SO BAD THAT WATER IS SHOOTING OUT OF MY EYES!!!!!! THE ONLY TIME THIS HAS EVER HAPPENED BEFORE IS WHEN I LISTENED TO TAYLOR SWIFT SONGS ALONE IN THE DARK WHILE DRINKING A JUG OF PAINT THINNER!!!!!!!!

8. BALL BOY GETTING TOUGH WITH GOALKEEPER -- IF A BALL BOY EVER DID THIS TO ME I WOULD POLITELY ASK HIM WHY HE IS SUCH A BRATTY LITTLE BOY!!!!!! AND THEN I WOULD PUT HIM IN A BOX AND SHIP HIM TO THE SUN WITH THE ANGRIEST DROPKICK OF ALL TIME!!!!!!!! HAVE FUN INSTANTLY DISINTEGRATING BRAT!!!!!!!

9. MY ANNOYING NEW NEIGHBOR ENZO -- SO ON THURSDAY I DECIDED THAT I COULD NO LONGER LIVE NEXT TO A LYING SLAVE TO THE CORN!!!!!!! I WAS DRAWING PICTURES OF UNICORNS THAT CAN RIDE TANDEM BICYCLES AND DECAPITATE OLD PEOPLE ON MY WALLS WHEN I DECIDED THIS!!!!!!! I THEN SPRINTED OUT OF MY HOUSE AND RAN OVER AND DELIVERED ROUNDHOUSE KICKS TO HIS FRONT DOOR UNTIL HE OPENED IT!!!!!!!!! HE LOOKED CONFUSED AND SAID SOMETHING IN ITALIAN SO I SCREAMED "I'M VERY SORRY ENZO BUT YOU MUST LEAVE YOUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!! FOREVER!!!!!!" AND I SAID IT IN A WAY SO HE WOULD KNOW THAT I WOULD MELT HIS FACE WITH MY VOCAL CHORDS IF HE DIDN'T!!!!!!!!! THEN I GAVE UP A SUITCASE FULL OF MONEY AND TOLD HIM TO NEVER COME BACK!!!!!!!! HE LOOKED SURPRISINGLY HAPPY WHEN HE TOOK IT!!!!!!!!!! I THEN SPENT THE NEXT SEVERAL HOURS SENTING OFF FIREWORKS IN HIS HOUSE TO RID IT OF THE CORN SPIRITS AND ALSO JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO SET OFF FIREWORKS IN HOUSES!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHH I HOPE ENZO LOSES THE BAG OF MONEY I GAVE HIM AND HAS TO HUNT FOR FOOD IN CARLES PUYOL'S HAIR FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE!!!!!!!!!

I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS HAS BEEN MY RAGE LIST. SEE YOU NEXT WEEK! GOD BLESS!!!!!!

Photo: Violachannel.tv