How Artur Boruc saved Christmas, volume two

Brooks Peck
Dirty Tackle

Previously: The first time Artur saved Christmas.

AHHHHHH I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS IS NOT MY FRIDAY RAGE LIST!!!!!! SINCE CHRISTMAS IS HERE IT DIDN'T SEEM RIGHT TO BE MAKING A LIST OF THINGS THAT MADE ME ANGRY THIS WEEK!!!!!!! SO INSTEAD I WILL TELL YOU ABOUT THE SECOND TIME I SAVED CHRISTMAS!!!!!

IT WAS SEVERAL DAYS BEFORE CHRISTMAS BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW MANY BECAUSE I HAD ALREADY OPENED ALL THE WINDOWS ON MY ADVENT CALENDAR OUT OF EXCITEMENT AND FURIOUS ANTICIPATION!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WAS BUSY WRAPPING PRESENTS IN PORCUPINE NEEDLES WHEN MY IDIOT NEIGHBOR DAN WYKOWSKI AND HIS GOOBER KIDS CAME RUSHING IN AS IF THAT WAS SOMETHING THAT I ACTUALLY WANTED THEM TO DO!!!!!!!!!!!

DAN SAID "SOMEONE TOOK ALL OF OUR PRESENTS AND CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS" AND THEN THE GOOBER KIDS STARTED CRYING AND THE BOY GOOBER KID BLEW A SNOT BUBBLE WHICH MADE ME WANT TO VOMIT NUCLEAR WEAPONS!!!!!!!! I TOLD THEM I WOULD FIGURE OUT WHO DID THIS EXCEPT I SAID IT IN A WAY SO THEY WOULD KNOW THAT IF I COULD RETURN ALL THEIR PRESENTS AND NOT FEEL BAD ABOUT IT I TOTALLY WOULD!!!!!!! I SPRINTED THROUGH MY FRONT WINDOW!!!!!!!!!!!!! A SHARD OF GLASS STABBED ME IN THE COLON BUT THAT JUST MADE IT MORE AWESOME!!!!!!!

I RAN UNTIL I PASSED OUT WHICH WASN'T AS GREAT OF A PLAN AS I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE!!!!!!!!!! WHEN I WOKE UP I WAS OUTSIDE JOSE MOURINHO'S HOUSE AND HE TOLD ME SOMEONE STOLE ALL HIS CHRISTMAS PRESENTS AND DECORATIONS TOO AND SIR ALEX FERGUSON CALLED TO SAY THE SAME HAPPENED TO HIM BUT THAT WAS PROBABLY THE WORK OF ROY KEANE THE BBC RAFA BENITEZ AND 99% OF PREMIER LEAGUE REFEREES!!!!!!!!!!! I PROMISED TO FIND THE TURKEYSTAINS RESPONSIBLE BUT MOURINHO JUST POKED ME IN THE EYE!!!!!!!!! I SAID THANK YOU AND I MEANT IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AT FIRST I THOUGHT IT WAS THE CORN CONSPIRACY EXERTING ITS VEGETABLE POWER OVER HUMANITY ONCE AND FOR ALL BUT THEN I REALIZED NOT EVERYTHING CAN BE THE KERNELED MENACE'S FAULT!!!!!!!!! EVEN THOUGH IT IS!!!!!!!!!!

I THEN DRANK PAINT THINNER UNTIL I PASSED OUT AGAIN BECAUSE WHY NOT?!?!?!?!?!? WHEN I WOKE UP I WAS TIED DOWN WITH CHRISTMAS LIGHTS INSIDE A TREE HOUSE AND SURROUNDED BY LEO MESSI AND XAVI AND ANDRES INIESTA AND CARLES PUYOL AND DANI ALVES!!!!!!!!! ONE OF THEM SAID THAT ONLY THEY COULD CELEBRATE CHRISTMAS BECAUSE THEY'RE THE BEST AND ANOTHER SAID "CESC DOESN'T HAVE ALL THE PRESENTS YET! CESC IS SUFFERING!" AND ANOTHER SAID SOMETHING ABOUT LEGO PLAYSETS AND GIGGLED!!!!!!!!!!!!! I TOLD THEM THAT I COULDN'T LET THEM GET AWAY WITH THIS EVEN THOUGH I RESPECT ALL THEIR ACCOMPLISHMENTS ON THE PITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!

THEY TRIED TO HYPNOTIZE ME BY PASSING A BALL AROUND FOR SEVERAL HOURS STRAIGHT WHILE PEP GUARDIOLA REPEATEDLY CHANGED VESTS BUT JUST AS I WAS ABOUT TO BLACK OUT AGAIN I STARTED SINGING "FIFTEEN" BY TAYLOR SWIFT AND SUMMONED A VIOLENT STRENGTH!!!!!!!!!! I BROKE FREE FROM MY RESTRAINTS BUT THE BARCA ELVES JUST LAUGHED!!!!!!!!!! "NO GOALKEEPER CAN DEFEAT US BY HIMSELF" THEY SAID!!!!!! AND THEY WERE RIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!

JUST THEN ZLATAN IBRAHIMOVIC APPEARED DRESSED AS A NINJA FROM A CLOUD OF SMOKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WE JOINED FORCES AND DROPKICKED ALL THE BARCA ELVES INTO THE OCEAN WHERE THEY SOMEHOW WON ANOTHER TROPHY AND RETURNED EVERYONE'S CHRISTMAS PRESENTS AND DECORATIONS!!!!!!!! HE SAID SOMETHING ABOUT RENAMING THE HOLIDAY ZLATANMAS AND HAVING PEOPLE KICK EACH OTHER IN THE HEAD INSTEAD OF GIVING PRESENTS BUT I JUST IGNORED HIM!!!!!!!!!! THAT GUY IS SO ANNOYING!!!!!!!!!!!!

AHHHHHH I AM ARTUR BORUC AND THIS HAS BEEN MY STORY ABOUT SAVING CHRISTMAS A SECOND TIME!!!! HAPPY ZLATANMAS CHRISTMAS!!!!!!! GOD BLESS!!!!!

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