Nine years without a trophy? Down 2-0 to Hull City after eight minutes? Everybody laughing at me...again? Is this the final blow that makes Arsene Wenger completely lose it and live the rest of his life as a house cat that answers to "Snugglebug"? NAH SON! Arsenal win 3-2 in extra time. Trophy drought over! Hull City's hopes and dreams crushed! Now I am the one who is laughing! I am Arsene Wenger and Wembley is now Arsene Village — where champagne fills the air and everyone who ever doubted me sits in a prison of their own terrible assumptions. WA-BAM!
Enjoy eating ice cream and singing Fleetwood Mac songs in the dark all night, Steven Bruce. I have a freezer full of Caramel Chew Chew that's all yours because tonight I will wear the FA Cup on my head like a fancy hat while verbally abusing teenagers on Xbox Live! This is more important than all of the other trophies we've won — including the only gold Premier League trophy ever — because it shuts up nine years of fartholes mocking and criticizing and reminding and giggling. Well now Arsenal have won a trophy more recently than you last went to the gym. Deal with it. WA-BAM!
I'm so happy that not even your creepy, unblinking stare can terrify me now! I am finally more powerful than you! Bow your fat, immobile neck before me!
Soaked with champagne and feeling like The Lion King during mating season, it's time to give the people added value for their money. COMMENCE WET ARSENE WENGER GUN SHOW.
OK, they weren't ready for that. I'll put a warm-up jacket on. They weren't ready for that at all. Someone make a note that public nudity isn't the best way to celebrate trophies. That's my bad.
But wait — I have an even better idea...
INFLATABLE SLIDE INTO A CHOPPY POOL OF JOSE MOURINHO'S TEARS! HASHTAG SPECIALIST IN WINNING MORE TROPHIES THAN YOU THIS SEASON! HASHTAG LAUGHING OUTSIDE LOUDLY! HASHTAG I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT HASHTAGS ARE FOR!
This feels pretty, pretty good. Now I know why people spend ungodly amounts of money just to try and win these things. HAHAHA just kidding. I still completely disagree with that on a philosophical level.
Wish you were here, haters. Except no I don't. REDEMPTION IS MINE! FINANCIAL PRUDENCE FOR LIFE! TROPHIES IN MY HANDS AND CHAMPAGNE IN MY UNDERPANTS! YOU CANNOT STOP ME! ARSENE WENGER IS REBORN LIKE A PHOENIX! PHOENIX WENGER! Next season I'm taking all the silverware. Including the forks and knives your grandmother gave you. Wa. Bam.
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