WA-BAM! Look at the table, haters. Look at it! Arsenal have once again locked down fourth place and there's nothing you can do about it. Not even you, Roberto Martinez. You think you're big time coming after my homemade fourth-place winner's sash in your first season with Everton and with a payroll half the size of mine? Well enjoy the Europa League, friend-o. I've been drinking milk straight from the carton in the Champions League penthouse so long that I don't even know what that is.
None of you thought we had it in us this season, did you? We went out and busted our transfer record by signing Mesut Ozil last summer and everyone said, "Oh, this could be Arsenal's year!" And guess what? It was. I'll admit that this season has been more challenging than teaching a cat how to make flan, though. When we were at the top of the table for a long stretch early on, even I had my doubts we could make it back to fourth. But we persevered and I'm proud to rub our second consecutive fourth-place title all up in your face. WA-BAM!
That makes five fourth-place finishes in the last eight years for us. Do you know what it takes to be just good enough to meet the bare minimum requirement for acceptable results every single season for that long without fail and not accidentally finishing second or fifth at any point? It takes a puffy coat full of Arsene Wenger and a practical business plan. That's what! WA-BAM!! It's this level of adequate consistency that keeps our fans paying exorbitant ticket prices and me eating all my meals at the fourth best restaurant in the country. Jealous? You know you are.
Of course, there are some miserable souls who think there's more to life than only doing what's necessary to qualify for the Champions League and then never winning it. But these people need to talk to Tottenham and Manchester United right now because I'm too busy counting to four to deal with their bouillabaisse. Most clubs of lesser means and talent would kill to be nose hair deep in fourth-place finishes! And by the way, Kim Kallstrom doesn't show up in January and play three matches for just anyone. He knew I was the man that would lead him most of the way up the mountain and then declare it a success when we couldn't make it all the way to the top. Specialist in failure? More like a specialist in redefining what it means to win BECAUSE A TRUE BOSS DOES NOT CONFORM TO SOMEONE ELSE'S STANDARDS OF TRIUMPH.
So in conclusion, I, Arsene Wenger, The Official Grand Master of Fourth Place Domination, am riding high on a majestic steed made of Champions League revenue and the tears of my mid-table rivals. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to watch Spy Kids 4 and comment on how it's so much better than the first one.
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