Arsene Wenger announces intent to take all of the trophies and never lose again

Brooks Peck
Dirty Tackle

Toot-toot, bandwagon jumpers. Wengerlution 2013 is shooting towards the sky like a bullet train on tracks made from the shame of our impatient doubters. Mesut Ozil is serving pina coladas in the cafe car and Olivier Giroud is impregnating everything that moves in the back. Yes, it's still early, but we're only picking up more and more speed so if you're not on board, you're going to get smashed into a pâté like substance. WA-BAM!

This isn't about you, though. This is about making everything you know wrong. I won't spend for the best players? WRONG. The game has passed me by and I can't win anymore? WRONG. I shouldn't have stuck with Aaron Ramsey? WRONG. I'm too classy to romance your mother just so you have to call me "daddy"? WRONG. I'm incapable of winning trophies and have forever resigned myself to invented awards for more easily attainable results? WRONG.

This trophy drought has been going for eight years, but now we're top of the table both in the Premier League and in our Champions League group. Yes, it's October and there's basically an entire season left to play and Mesut Ozil could realize he's too good to be real at any moment, but I feel I should warn you now...I'm not just targeting one or two trophies. I'm coming for all of them. Premier League, Champions League, FA Cup, that World Series trophy they have in baseball, spelling bee trophies, even the trophy for best mid-sized marketing firm in West Yorkshire — I'm taking all of them and Per Mertesacker says there's nothing you can do about it.

I'd say this won't be easy, but then I see David Moyes drowning himself at Man United, Jose Mourinho benching his best players at Chelsea and Manuel Pellegrini looking like the ghost of a sad puppy and I realize I'd have to eat paint chips to feign modesty in this group. I was perfect before and I will be perfect again. Puffy coats will be the hottest fashion this winter and Samir Nasri won't be allowed to wear one no matter how many Garfield books he offers me.

Arsenal are unbeaten since Ozil arrived and we've won each of our last 10 matches since faking everyone out by losing to Aston Villa to start the season. Ozil is our Viagra and we are now rigid with power. WA-BAM!

When I arrived here 17 years ago, I banned Mars bars, but now I'm banning other teams from winning. This time forever. Never doubt be again.

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