On September 19, FIFA will host the first World Summit on Ethics in Sport at their headquarters in Zurich. Seriously. This is actually happening.
From FIFA's announcement of the event that just anyone other than FIFA is more qualified to host:
“Ethics and integrity are essential in the world of sport and are topics that have continued to gain importance for FIFA and the football community in recent years," said FIFA President Blatter. "We therefore welcome the opportunity to host this special summit and look forward to a fruitful debate among international experts on these important topics.”
DT has obtained the program of events for the summit. Here it is in full...
9:00-9:10 am — Opening address and denial that the summit is all an elaborate prank from FIFA president Sepp Blatter
9:10-9:20 — Welcome from Tokyo Sexwale, Official Friend of Mr. Blatter
9:20-10:30 — Inaugural panel: "Are ethics really that important? Maybe not."
10:30-10:50 — Reflections on how ridiculous this is.
10:50-11:15 — Break (from ethics)
11:15-12:30 — Workshops:
-Workshop 1: Deflecting blame.
-Workshop 2: Learning from organized crime.
-Workshop 3: Ignoring the ethical violations of business partners.
-Workshop 4: The value of delusion.
12:30-1:30 pm: Sack lunch provided by the Qatar Foundation (Note: do not eat what is in the sack. Just...keep it.)
1:30-2:30: Keynote speeches from United Passions actors Tim Roth and Gerard Depardieu because they apparently have no shame.
-Workshop 1: Challenges on the pitch: Match fixing, doping and preventing Luis Suarez from biting people.
-Workshop 2: Challenges off the pitch:
3:45-4:00: Break (from accountability)
4:00-4:05: Call of the youth (to drink Coca-Cola)
4:05-4:30: Ethics in sports awards (spoiler alert: Sepp Blatter wins them all).
4:30-5:30: Panel discussion: The role of sports in exacerbating and profiting from societal problems
5:30-6:30: Resolutions, action plans and closing astonishment that we keep getting away with all of this.
6:30: Aperitif on soccer field (Note: do not drink what is in the glasses. The blood diamonds will cut up your insides).
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