NEWARK, N.J. – Ah, the photos of our youth.
So wonderful. So awkward. Such are the photographs of NHL Draft selections each season, who must have their glamour shots taken as part of the draft process.
Alas, the NHL and it’s photographers have gotten more and more conservative with their staging – see 2011 to 2012, and weep for the halcyon days of Kirill Kabonov’s curtain jerking.
But that doesn’t mean there weren’t some tremendously awkward and unintentionally hilarious NHL rookie photos this season …
And here ... we ... go.
10. Thomas Vannelli, St. Louis Blues
“With the No. 47th pick in the 2013 NHL Draft, the St. Louis Blues select Ryan Gosling’s stunt pouter …”
9. Evan Cowley, Florida Panthers
Cowley was drafted by the Panthers at No. 92 overall, who apparently don’t share Claire Danes’ concerns that he’s a sleeper agent flipped by al-Qaeda. (Yes, that was a Damien Lewis “Homeland” joke, and no, this isn’t a green light for you to spoil the series in the comments.)
8. Chris Bigras, Colorado Avalanche
Can we talk about Chris Bigras’s shirt?
Look, not to get all Mr. Blackwell here, but the Avalanche second-rounder chose a shirt that would be perfect for a Miami Beach-themed Bat Mitzvah but at best screams “I BELIEVE I’M GOING TO THE SAN JOSE SHARKS” at the NHL Draft.
Seriously, dude: Neutral colors. You look like the Avalanche placed you in some kind of shock collar.
7. Taylor Cammarata and Eamon McAdam, New York Islanders
Look, we’re all for accuracy in rookie photography, but you’re seriously telling us there wasn’t a milk crate or that box Pierre McGuire stands on to help even things out here so Cammarata doesn’t look like a Leprechaun that McAdam captured?
6. Gustav Olofsson, Minnesota Wild
5. Rasmus Ristolainen, Buffalo Sabres
More NHL Draftees should make sure the curvature of their hair matches the curvature of their stick blade.
4. Alexander Wennberg, Columbus Blue Jackets
On the left is Kerby Rychel, son of former NHLer Warren Rychel and a player who seems generally pleased to have been drafted by the Blue Jackets.
On the right is Alexander Wennberg, who wants to [expletive] you with his mind.
No, seriously: Do not catch his gaze because your willpower is no match for his Blue Steel:
WE SURRENDER, SWEDISH SEDUCER!
3. Aleksander Barkov, Florida Panthers
That awkward moment when you realize that you used the second overall pick on either a 35 year old or Bobby Holik.
2. Morgan Klimchuk, Calgary Flames
If there’s a more “I’ve just been drafted by the Calgary Flames” look given by a Calgary Flames draft pick, we haven’t seen it.
1. Elias Lindholm, Carolina Hurricanes
This. Is. Perfection.
From the odd rooster feathers hair to the complete lack of arms, photographers caught Hurricanes first-rounder Elias Lindholm at his most carnival freak moment.
We have no idea why this photo made it on the wire. We have no idea why it exists. But as the NHL continues to conspire to withhold the crazy from us in its rookie photos, this is evidence that crazy can never be contained.
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