Suppose you're an obscenely wealthy hockey fan. You've got wads of cash burning a hole in your pocket, and you're looking to spend it on something that says, "I love hockey, and I'm obscenely and perhaps even comically wealthy."
Boy oh boy, have we got just the thing. Presenting Armori Steele goalie masks -- luxury, collectible, hand-painted, hand-crafted masks made of pure, 24 karat gold, and bedecked in "meticulously hand-picked" diamonds, precious gemstones, and authentic Swarovski crystals.
They cost $12,500, or about the cost of a Nissan Versa. But a Versa is just a car. Meanwhile, "the visionary design of each goaltender mask in the ARMORI STEELE collection embodies all that inspires us: ingenuity, art, power & passion." Suck on that, car.
These are the goalie masks God would wear, if he wore a mask. But don't let me, a plebe, tell you about your frivolous luxury item. Hear it from a narrator, in this intense and dramatic 90-second spot.
Handcrafted in Montreal. Of course it is. Could this have come from anywhere else?
You may be scoffing at this luxury item, which is "reminiscent of an emperor’s armor," and through which "refined finesse meets brute force". But if you are, it merely proves that you're not a "triumphant individual who seeks the highest level of distinction". Loser.
Armori Steele is "the first and sole company to blossom in the field of Luxury goalie mask collections, a field that was previously non-existent", according to their website. Will that field start to fill up now? 10 years from now, will there be a luxury goalie mask in every home? Armori can only hope.
Their first collection, The Prestige Collection, is inspired by the 2014 Olympics, and you should probably just read what Armori Steele has to say about it:
The Prestige Collection officially celebrates our openings into the world of Luxury goalie mask creation. We pushed our wildest imaginings and mask crafting abilities to never seen before heights. Holding back at nothing, The Prestige Collection unites traditional hand-painted art, technological ingenuity and jewelry craftsmanship in order to create the most prestigious, most elitist, most elegant goalie mask collection the world has ever experienced.
Most elitist? Are you supposed to say that out loud?
There are two masks in the Prestige Collection: a Team USA mask, titled "The American Glory, and a Team Canada mask, titled "The Redness of Pride", which is also what I'm pretty sure I experienced after a parade last summer.
Here's a short video about the Redness of Pride, set to Mozart's "Lacrimosa", one of only a few pieces worthy of scoring a look inside this masterpiece.
Okay, admittedly, that mask is pretty hot. I wish I was rich.
s/t to Reddit Hockey.