Whoever invented this NHL All-Star Game Jersey Fouls machine must be stopped

OTTAWA — It's no secret the NHL has made a brazen endorsement of Jersey Fouls lately, what with a recent commercial that enables these affronts to fandom.

But this really ups the ante. Introducing the Incredible NHL Jersey Fouls Machine, seen at the NHL All-Star Game FanFest in Ottawa this week.

OK, it's really just a bunch of people with heat presses and the kind of big mechanical clothing carousel found at any local dry cleaner, but the whole thing looks gigantic inside one of the rooms at the FanFest.

For those who protect the sanctity of the sweater, the real menace of this devious contraption is automation:

Yes, creating a Jersey Foul just became as easy as ordering a breakfast sandwich at Sheetz or Wawa (or insert your own reference to a gas/food establishment with touch-screen ordering).

You choose your color, your size, your name and number, the patch of the team you want on the shoulder and BOOM, you have a jersey being made on-site. Depending on how nimble your fingers are, the Jersey Foul can go from concept to execution in under a minute.

Scary times.

The blue adult Zach Parise All-Star jersey I created (but did not purchase, for it would be blasphemy) came to $249.99. Then I used some Purell on my hands to wash away the Foul.

So congratulations, guy in the "CROSBYSUX 69" jersey. Life just got a little easier for you.

Meanwhile, your friends at Puck Daddy are currently in the planning stages of a full-on assault of the device, like GI Joe soldiers taking down Cobra Commander's Incredible Weather Machine...

(Meaning that the Jersey Fouls Creator will explode into three primary pieces that travel to the jungle, the arctic and under the ocean, where they must then be retrieved before COBRA, er, the NHL gets them first. Yo Joe!)