We've seen Herb Brooks' speech from the movie Miracle done well. Kurt Russell knocked it out of the park, obviously. And that inspired others, most notably, adorable young Joshua Sacco, who managed to improve on it.
So if you can't do it best, you may as well do it worst. And if that's your goal, here's the new low bar, courtesy of camo Santa, a.k.a. Duck Dynasty's Mountain Man. Using those lines as inspiration, the popular reality show star gave the Central Hockey League's Allen Americans the slowest pep talk of all-time:
This bit was part of the CHL team's Olympics Night on Friday, where the team wore replicas of the Miracle on Ice jerseys, and received the same pregame speech.
Of course, the difference is that the speech in Miracle was good, and finished before the game began. Also it wasn't delivered by one of the most contrived, asinine characters in entertainment (although Kurt Russell did play Captain Ron).
This isn't the first time the Americans' have gone with the 'Miracle' speech on a promotion night. Ronald McDonald delivered the same speech to the same club this time last year.
We sincerely hope the Americans make having ridiculous people run through this speech an annual tradition. Our nominees for next year's guest: Rob Ford. The Polkaroo. Jared Leto.
Also in attendance for Friday's Olympic night: bobsledder Johnny Quinn, famed for breaking through his jammed bathroom door with his bobsled. In this guy's opinion, Quinn's speech would have been way more inspirational. "When you find yourself cornered in the bathroom of life, you take that bobsled of opportunity, and you smash your way out!"
Anyway. Duck Dynasty sucks and we should all be embarrassed for knowing about it.
Stick-tap Eye on Hockey