The Sabres are last in the NHL at 47 points in 73 games; the Coyotes have 52 points in 74 games and are second-to-last. The one who finishes in the basement is assured of getting super prospects Connor McDavid or Jack Eichel. The other one … not so much.
These crazy kids meet again on Monday in Glendale, too. So in honor of this unprecedented mini-series between the two draft lottery darlings, we present The 10 Things We Want To See At The Sabres vs. Coyotes Tank-a-palooza, because everything sounds fun when you add “palooza” to it. Shameless written in the style of a Buzzfeed listicle!
And here … we … go.
10. Instead of the national anthem, have the singer belt out Tom Petty’s “Even The Losers Get Lucky Sometimes.”
9. Play a prerecorded message from Connor McDavid explaining how honored he is that both teams would sacrifice so much to have him join their team, and how both franchises are unique snowflakes and how they’re both beautiful in their own way.
8. Play a prerecorded message from Jack Eichel in which he says “BUFFALO I’M COMMIN’ FOR YOU” before pounding a Bud Light.
7. Two words: Tank Zamboni.
6. The arena plays the home team’s goal song when the visiting team scores, allowing fans to celebrate their team getting pushed closer to defeat.
5. The arena plays the Debbie Downer sad trombone when the home team scores, matching the emotions of the fans. We’ll also accept the music they play when a contestant loses on “The Price Is Right.”
4. Iso-cams on Tim Murray and Don Maloney at all times, so we can watch them react when their best-laid plans for abject failure are scuttled by someone with the nerve to “try their best.”
3. During the home team’s power play, they just pass the puck around for two minutes without firing anything at the net, creating the first documented instance in which fans scream “DON’T SHOOOOOOOOOOOOT!” during a man advantage.
2. A Patrick Kaleta own goal or a Mike Smith butt-goal.
1. Pull both goalies in the first minute and keep both nets empty the entire game. The NHL record for combined goals in a game is only 21! Hey, if you’re playing a game no one wants to win, might has well make it worthwhile...